Claim to Fame

I have never met Dooks, but I like that Thai soap story.

he once played with me in a toilet

I don't do sports. I run from sports.

Wait...

I met John Sessions and Phil Cornwell and got them to sign my Stella Street videos.

• Whilst a pedicab rider I took Suggs out of Madness from Soho to an album launch in Kensington. I went under the hyde park underpass and the chain came off at the bottom. He and his companion had to get out and walk out of the underpass.
  
  

Made me laugh.

The Independent once ran a regular feature where a well known person would have a double-page spread answering readers’ questions. My dad read it, not me. Anyway one week it was Howard Marks, and rabid dope fiend as I was at the time, my dad told me they were requesting questions for his feature.

So I submitted one, and it was published. I asked him what music he liked to listen to when getting stoned, and something about his then fledgling involvement with the club scene. I think he said he listened to Red Snapper when stoned. I’ve still got those couple of pages from the issue, which came out on my birthday, weirdly enough.

Stand by to be underwhelmed.

• Whilst a pedicab rider I took Suggs out of Madness from Soho to an album launch in Kensington. I went under the hyde park underpass and the chain came off at the bottom. He and his companion had to get out and walk out of the underpass. He was late for the party and annoyed that all the photographers had gone. Two years ago, a band I was in opened for Madness at an outdoor gig. Someone told him who I was and he still appeared to be grumpy about it. We also got told off for drinking madness' beer. Their roadcrew were also a bunch of twats so we stole the beer and left without watching Madness.
  
  
  
  

Sounds like the kind of thing he should have used as the inspiration for a song. He could have called it 'Minor Grievance In the Underpass.' You should have told him this. Definitely.

god bless the internets.

I remember buying this issue in the local Spar and reading it with my Damion Parry in the carpark whilst eating fizzy cola bottles and excitedly peeling the sticky tape off the cardboard cover on the free demo tape.

god bless the internets.

I remember buying this issue in the local Spar and reading it with my Damion Parry in the carpark whilst eating fizzy cola bottles and excitedly peeling the sticky tape off the cardboard cover on the free demo tape.

Poke or Peek? Your Damion Parry that is.

I’m normally full of these, but when pressed I can’t think of any. But I have interviewed David Bellamy, met Gordon Brown and Paddy Ashdown (and I have Paddy’s personal contact details!), had an in depth conversation about lidos with Alistair Campbell, heard Alistair Darling swear like a trooper, told Jordan that she will get on a limo bike or she will never be employed by a PR agency ever ever again, danced with Boy George, had a coffee with Patsy Palmer and served Ian Beale and Linda Bellingham repeatedly when I used to work at Sainsbury’s back in the day. Sat next to Rachel Stevens, ended up in a small space with Agyness Deyn once, can’t remember anyone else. Noel Fielding always used to hang around my local shop where I used to live. These are all a bit crap.

I was part of the largest record breaking monty python coconut orchestra headed by terry gillingham in trafalgar square a couple of years ago which brought the record back to these shores. Still have my official two halves of coconut they gave out which were marked 'L' and 'R' on the insides.

Who wants to touch me?

Oh, i also shagged one of the olsen twins before they were famous.

(the first one's true)

Sold Finlay Quaye a hoover.
Sold Sheila Hancock a hoover.
Sold Jenny Agutter a hoover.
Sold Alistair Darling a hoover.
Sold Joanna Lumley a hoover.
Sold Frank Bruno an Aiwa mini system.

All shit compared to pissing on Shaun Ryder in The Hacienda toilets circa Pills & Thrills, although Agutter-you still would.

Didn't Frank Bruno want a hoover?

Know I don't clean Harry.

Didn't Frank Bruno want a hoover?

Naah, said they suck.

Frank bought it for his sister who lives near Wandsworth, asked me to install it to achieve 'cinema surround sound from the telly, huh huh' (It was the 90's) so off I toddled. She is identical, I mean she looked like him in a dress. Best was his gold amex got referred so I call them up and they ask for more i.d., 'cept Frank ain't got none. It's the only time I've ever obtained an authority code for a purchase by saying "Look, he says he's Frank Bruno and he does look exactly like him, it can't be a coincidence can it?"

I've touched Furious Tiles' knee. Yes, that one. And more than twice.

Didn't Frank Bruno want a hoover?

Hahaha. Done a lol.

Give him a break - he only did one of them. And it was dark.

Poke or Peek? Your Damion Parry that is.

Heh, just noticed this. Whoops.

They've been famous since they were 9 months old.

yeah, i'm going to hell for that one

Sold Finlay Quaye a hoover.
Sold Sheila Hancock a hoover.
Sold Jenny Agutter a hoover.
Sold Alistair Darling a hoover.
Sold Joanna Lumley a hoover.
Sold Frank Bruno an Aiwa mini system.

All shit compared to pissing on Shaun Ryder in The Hacienda toilets circa Pills & Thrills, although Agutter-you still would.

That sucks

My Great-Uncle is Godfather to one of Paul McCartney's kids. He worked as an engineer on most Beatles recordings at Abbey Road and still works on McCartney's solo stuff. He is good friends with him and Ringo (and previously George Harrison too- I was taught to play drums (badly) by his son who was in turn taught by George Harrison)

I've had my picture on front pages of local newspapers in the UK and USA.

My dad was a local politician for many years and was mayor of our town twice, but his greatest accomplishment was being told to jump in the ocean in The Sun's "The Sun Says" editorial column sometime in 1982. He has it framed at home.

I edited a popular fanzine for a (then) league football club and donated a substantial amount of money to said team to help prevent them from going out of business. I've been threatened with expulsion from many football grounds for flogging my illicit wares, the crowning glory being the Millennium Stadium.

Have met and DJ-ed for any number of middling indie bands, none of any note.

Sold Finlay Quaye a hoover.
Sold Sheila Hancock a hoover.
Sold Jenny Agutter a hoover.
Sold Alistair Darling a hoover.
Sold Joanna Lumley a hoover.
Sold Frank Bruno an Aiwa mini system.

Fuck. Ing. Class.

Pure poetry.

My dad invented the chair.