How do you get over someone you still love?

I know this is not quite the right thread but I'll post in it here anyway. This is an alias as I am frankly too embarrassed about my emotional confusion to use my real username.

I have been in this relationship with this guy for a about 2 1/2 years now but I have been unhappy for quite some time. I avoided physical contact, including sex, as well as tried not to be at home so much in order to not have to spend so much time with him. Last night we had an argument and I told him that I am not happy in this relationship. That scared him into some form of resignation/submission rather than anger, which makes me feel an absolute cunt.

He *really, really *likes being in a relationship and I think he would prefer a dysfunctional relationship to no relationship. He even said once that he is fine with me not loving him anymore. If we split he will feel extremely heartbroken. It is also his first relationship, which makes me feel even worse.

We are living together but he is about to move to his parents (was planned for a while) over the summer in 2 weeks. He has also just received an inheritance which he could use for travelling anywhere he wants to. He is 21 years old so there is plenty of time to find a mate that would be more suitable. Nevertheless I can't help but feeling that he hasn't deserved all this.

Now, I make him out to be some Mr Perfect but there have been plenty of times where I felt embarrassed or frustrated by our relationship, so I really, really should end this now and I think if I drag it out even more, it will get really ugly. I really think if I have doubts now I shouldn't commit to live with him another year.

What surprised me though is that, after telling him yesterday, my feelings changed from determination to end it to suddenly feeling a sense of loss and even hurt. I'm not sure if that me feeling bad for hurting him or if I have a genuine feelings left. I fluctuates from hour to hour.

I know this is a deeply personal situation and I don't really expect advice but to write it all down has helped me. Thanks for reading.

Bloody Nora.

Red Cross, you did the right thing by ending it now before it got really ugly, you'll feel abit overwhelmed for a while, but then you'll be okay.
Shoot me a PM anytime using your alias if you ever want to talk privately, as I went through something similar with a northern lad. x

Nora,
It appears that you know what is for the best, but the thought of hurting someone who you genuinely care about, is causing hesitation. If the embarassment and frustration you feel can't be remedied by communication with your partner, then it will only grow stronger.

Hope you can find a positive resolution

Thanks for the responses. I felt a mess when I cycled to college today but even after a little bit of talking about it I already feel better. Probably gets worse once I go home again.

Walk away.

You will do him no favours at all by stringing it out – that will just make you feel better by easing your guilt.

Walk away. Don't look back. Don't think twice.

Just shag his best mate, always seems to work

Is that what you did to your last boyfriend?

Yep, worked a treat, had no trouble since

Red cross your living your life not his, do what's right for you, though you may hurt your boyfriend in the end you should be in a relationship which makes you happy. Guilt, indecision, and a mess of other emotions will assail you but you already know what you need to do and best to make a clean break of it rather than drag it out for however many weeks, months.

^ +1 to conrnie's view.

The first break up of your "relationship history" is always going to be the most devistating as it brings to light all of the falicies we tend to believe about love and leaves us with a more realistic understanding of what love is and can be.
Cliche as it is in time you're BF will come to understand that you did what was best for both of you.

Jacqui is absolutely right. the first heartbreak is very hard indeed... but essential. Take comfort from the fact that it'll leave you better equipped for handling your emotions in future.

you are not really in a 'relationship' are you? so why bother agonising over ending your flatshare and occasional conversions
i said this in another thread (or perhaps this one?):
'never make somebody else responsible for your own happiness'

HTFU and leave.

you are not really in a 'relationship' are you? so why bother agonising over ending your flatshare and occasional conversions
i said this in another thread (or perhaps this one?):
'never make somebody else responsible for your own happiness'

HTFU and leave.

Wise words - and certainly true. On the other hand he is not just a flatmate and I care about him. But maybe this care is destructive for him and me as I'm afraid to tell him what I really think.

I know what's coming. He will demand and explanation over and over. I know I shouldn't sugarcoat but on the other hand I don't wanna go off on a rant and tell him that he is a horrible person.

When my first love dumped me, I was naturally gutted. Again, like he may well do I just wanted answers to her cold, unemotional ending of it. I was in bits, crying, begging her 'Why, why?'.
Then she just said, 'Cos you're a cunt' and it all made sense

Binning someone always makes you feel shit, but it is better in the long run, otherwise you will build up more resentment and the relationship will just fester and deteriorate.

What surprised me though is that, after telling him yesterday, my feelings changed from determination to end it to suddenly feeling a sense of loss and even hurt. I'm not sure if that me feeling bad for hurting him or if I have a genuine feelings left. I fluctuates from hour to hour.

Probably both. Just because you aren't happy with something, doesn't make it any less a part of your life and the loss, intentional or otherwise, of something that you once loved and was an contributory element to who you are isn't going to pass unnoticed emotionally. And yes, you probably do feel guilty for hurting him, not loving someone doesn't mean you don't care about them. Good news is, you're a perfectly normal human being, flawed, fucked up, unique and wonderful all at the same time.

Wise words - and certainly true. On the other hand he is not just a flatmate and I care about him. But maybe this care is destructive for him and me as I'm afraid to tell him what I really think.

I know what's coming. He will demand and explanation over and over. I know I shouldn't sugarcoat but on the other hand I don't wanna go off on a rant and tell him that he is a horrible person.

What you're after here is the old classic: "It's not you, it's me" exit strategy.

What you're after here is the old classic: "It's not you, it's me" exit strategy.

I know, but that sound so lame.

What you're after here is the old classic: "It's not you, it's me" exit strategy.

i was going to suggest that :-)

"i can't stop lying to you so i have to end it now instead of dragging it out, it's the best thing for both of us"

"we have grown apart"

"we are kidding ourselves that things are great between us"

"why prolong a dying relationship when we both know it's not going anywhere"

"i'm bored of this shit and i want out. cos frankly the idea of spending another year with you gives me the fear"

feel free to use any of the above.

What you're after here is the old classic: "It's not you, it's me" exit strategy.

That never works

Best way to get over someone is under someone*

*Not entirely true.

"i can't stop lying to you so i have to end it now instead of dragging it out, it's the best thing for both of us"

"we have grown apart"

"we are kidding ourselves that things are great between us"

"why prolong a dying relationship when we both know it's not going anywhere"

"i'm bored of this shit and i want out. cos frankly the idea of spending another year with you gives me the fear"

You missed the rather quintessential "I was going to cheat on you but I'm too lazy to feel guilty about it. Can I give you a call next week?"

I have to +1 everyone, corny especially, with the "Your living your life not his" sentiment. I've been the Boyfriend in this situation, and I was a bitter ex for a long time before I realised what was going on. I too would rather have been with her than no one at all, even though it was abusive for both of us. I have learnt so much from the whole ordeal, the biggest being, I should have let her leave me when she wanted to. Dragging it out was miserable for both of us, and did both of us mental harm.

Serously, it's natural you're going to feel hurt or loss. He will be your best and closest friend of many years and you are losing that too. But, it's better for both of you if you just let it go.

Yeah, I have have spoken to him multiple times today and yesterday and I think the message is sinking in. At first the suggested things like "We can make things work by seeing each other less" and he said he'd pay for counseling.

He will be moving out soon (was planning to anyway). He's obviously unhappy but seems to cope better once the initial shock is over.