Football

Clive, I generally like these reports when I can be bothered to finish them but I feel your continued comedy riff of "ooo, isn't it all a bit deprived outside of good old London" is starting to wear a bit thin. The best ones are the London ones as you are forced to stay away from this 'grim up north' narrative. I think you should stay away from it in an attempt to come up with something more original.

yeah freshen it up a bit clive

give it a bit of zing, a touch of panache, something modern, edgy with a 21st century feel

maybe have a listen to prayer for the day on radio 4 for ideas

Man City 2 v 2 Everton
Cardiff 2 v 1 Newcastle
Fulham 0 v 1 Stoke
Hull 1 v 0 Aston Villa
Liverpool 1 v 8 Crystal Palace
Sunderland 0 v 3 Man Utd
Norwich 0 v 2 Chelsea
Southampton 2 v 1 Swansea
Tottenham 3 v 0 West Ham
West Brom 1 v 3 Arsenal

Christ. Page 1812 was a bit embarrassing.

more so than the preceding 1811 pages

The correct response to a wind up like that is not some "look how clever I am at stringing words together" it's "get fucked".

As in:

There's this guy, Dougie, who loves the circus. He adores the circus. Every time the circus comes to town, Dougie goes to see it. He sits in the front row, wearing his blue anorak.

One day, the circus comes to town and Dougie is thrilled to see it has a new clown with a red nose. All goes well until the Red-Nosed Clown decides to tell a joke. He looks around the audience, spots Dougie in his blue anorak, and approaches.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

"No", says Dougie, confused.

"Then are you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown.

"No...", says Dougie, hesitantly.

"Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, triumphantly.

The audience bursts into laughter, leaving Dougie feeling humiliated and hurt.

The next day, Dougie goes to the circus wearing his blue anorak and sits in the front row as usual. The high-wire act is thrilling, the jugglers are breath-taking, and then along come the clowns. Dougie's heart sinks when he sees the Red-Nosed Clown among them. Sure enough, part-way through the act the Red-Nosed Clown stops to tell a joke. His eyes are immediately drawn once more to Dougie in his blue anorak.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

"No...", says Dougie, apprehensively.

"Then are you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown.

"No", says Dougie, tears welling in his eyes.

"Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, gleefully.

Again, the audience roars with laughter, and Dougie looks a complete fool. He's very upset.

Now it turns out that Dougie has a friend: Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee. Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, is famous throughout the town for being a master of wit and king of repartee. If anyone can put an end to Dougie's torment, it's Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee. Dougie therefore decides to tell his story to Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, in the hope that he'll help.

"Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee", he begins, "there's a new, red-nosed clown at the circus and he keeps picking on me."

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, says, "That's very ungracious of him. He deserves to be taught a lesson."

"Could you come along tomorrow and sit next to me?" asks, Dougie, hopefully.

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, ponders for a moment, then says, "Yes, I think I shall."

"Oh thank you, Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee", says Dougie. "You'll show him!"

So the next day, Dougie goes along to the circus with Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, and they sit in the front row. The horse act is terrific and the trapeze is very exciting, and then out come the clowns.

The Red-Nosed Clown can't believe his eyes. There, sitting in the front row, is Dougie in his blue anorak. He goes straight over.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

Dougie looks to Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, who sagely shakes his head.

"No", says Dougie, confidently.

"Then ar you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown?

Dougie glances at Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, but again he just shakes his head, knowingly.

"No" replies Dougie.

Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, victoriously.

The audience shrieks with laughter, and poor Dougie feels very small, but then suddenly, Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, stands up.

The audience falls silence in astonishment, for they know him to be Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, and they know that he is a master of wit and king of repartee.

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, looks slowly around the room, then suddenly stabs a finger in the direction of the Red-Nosed Clown and glares at him right in the eye.

"You!" he shouts. "Fuck off, you red-nosed bastard!"

Chalfie, that made me laugh.

But I prefer the long winded way, but I will on occasion remember nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, and use something stinging and outrageous like GET BENT!

No, get fucked is better...

...GET BENT!
Fulham have beaten you to that one.

Landslide, we freed Bent, so everyone else could GET BENT!

Free the Bent One doesn't quite have the same ring to it as the Guildford Six.

Dan Gosling, remember him? The kid that got the goal in the adverts against Liverpool in the FA Cup...

Anyway, gone on loan to Blackpool

Career just keeps getting better

Effra hall, london derby, sunday 4pm.

Mourinho on the Lukaku deal:

"It's one thing to play for Everton yet another to play for Chelsea"

WAC!!

Well I suppose he's right really isn't. It's one thing to play for a club with a long and proud history, one that has stayed close to its roots whilst managing to forever be at or near the forefront of the English game.... and another thing to play for a gang of classless pricks that until recently regularly flitted between the top two divisions

Effra hall, london derby, sunday 4pm.

Couldn't get a ticket then???

We need Mourinho on here,. He could out-Troll Cornelius "King of the Trolls" Blackfoot.

Mourinho on the Lukaku deal:

"It's one thing to play for Everton yet another to play for Chelsea"

WAC!!

Well I suppose he's right really isn't. It's one thing to play for a club with a long and proud history, one that has stayed close to its roots whilst managing to forever be at or near the forefront of the English game.... and another thing to play for a gang of classless pricks that until recently regularly flitted between the top two divisions

You really do talk out of your balloon knot.

weartheshirtmuppet

So...Lukaku is Chelsea's top scorer with 3 goals in one and a half games

More than the 3 other strikers put together!

Everton vs Newcastle United 3-2 2013 All Goals and Full Highlights 30/9/2013 [HD] - YouTube

I imagine the sound of a forrin brown skin commentating on his [strike]mans dem[/strike] people's club must be like nails down a blackboard. Poor sod

Liverpool doing what they do best.
Really glad about this
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/24407211

crotch area .... still traumatised

until recently regularly flitted between winning the Champions League and Europa League

FTFY

Mourinho's obviously pointing out Everton players get the week day nights off. They don't have to have a passport, different strokes.

Man City 0 v 1 Everton
Cardiff 2 v 2 Newcastle
Fulham 1 v 0 Stoke
Hull 1 v 1 Aston Villa
Liverpool 3 v 3 Crystal Palace
Sunderland 0 v 3 Man Utd
Norwich 1 v 4 Chelsea
Southampton 2 v 1 Swansea
Tottenham 2 v 0 West Ham
West Brom 1 v 2 Arsenal

I'm going with Michael palin. 8-1 to west brom
City will beat Everton
Liverpool will rape palace
Tottenham will defile west ham. Hammers fans will cry and call for big Sam's head on a plate only to realise they will need something a lot fucking bigger than a plate.
Chelsea will draw away to Norwich and Jose will bore us all after the match

City v Everton

http://atdee.net/67083/watch-manchester-city-vs-everton

Shit ref already

Good game this so far