Let's offroad / mountain bike / mtb / ride dirt

A condom over each

You could let all the air out of the fork and compress it to cover the stanchions, then strap it down

This would also reduce the wheelbase and, by steepening the headangle, increase the effect of reversing the fork.

Pipe lagging

I thought if it might, but decided I'd best leave that to someone with a grasp of trigonometry :-D

I am starting to feel better about things.

Pipe lagging secured with zip tie

I quite like the idea of deflating them and then using a toe-strap to keep the forks in place, strikes me as neater than lagging, small condoms etc etc.

Be careful with compressing the fork and reversing it together, just in case you smack the fork crown into the downtube

Edit: meant arch, not crown

Please sign this internet waiver...

Get a van 👍

There is a bewildering variety of van, yet I can’t seem to find one with a V8.

Just get a T5 and lower it

Tint the windows, massive alloys, Billabong sticker, job done.

My bike has a wheelbase of 124cm and fits on a Thule proride 598 with no problem

This V8 van is probably a better idea though.
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/143677804006

T5 on air bags, rolling on 22’s, does seem to be the vernacular.

Compressing the fork doesn't change the position of the fork crown, relative to the headset or frame. With the downtube having the flatter section behind the headset rather than being a straight tube, there might not even be contact between the tyre and downtube.

I can’t seem to find one with a V8.

Renault Espace F1? It's got a mid mount V8. Perfect for a drive to France.

Quarantine for those returning from France announced, key question is will France reciprocate?

This trip is cursed.

I might be going to Wales for two weeks instead, it is true

LDV Sherpa. Rover V8. Not saying it'd be a good choice, because it wouldn't, but it is a V8. 132bhp from 3.5 litres, and appalling fuel economy. But hey, V8...

Ze man at ze border might make you V8.

🤦‍♂️

If we can’t get to France where should we go that has nice weather, nice roads and somewhere to go mountain biking?