Jokes / Joke du jour!

Lucky b’stard. They were nagging me after 1 year, not two. My most recent letter read ‘Will you be in on the 10th June?
‘We may visit you on the 10th June or any other day’
which certainly made me laugh out loud.

People of a certain age like me will remember the TV detector vans, that would prowl the streets at night looking for unlicensed tellys in use.

Or so we were told. In fact the vans contained no electrical equipment, because the supposed technology didn’t exist. All they had was a list of houses that didn’t have a tv license and they would park outside in the hope of spotting a blueish glow through the curtains, which is why they only operated at night.

those were the days

Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now, please?

Hedgehog: No.

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a bus full of estate agents
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a hedgehog has it's pricks on the outside

Villain: I’ve injected you with truth serum

Tony the Tiger: they’re fine

A friend of mine has just found a job at the local bowling alley
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I asked if it was ten pin but he assures me its permanent

The perfect Father's Day joke.

Sad news today as the funeral of the inventor of Tupperware has had to be delayed
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The funeral directors have struggled to find a lid that fits the coffin

A friend of mine has reluctantly finished a long happy career at the tyre factory
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Apparently they were really Goodyears

A friend of mine is in hospital after an after dinner accident
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His wife asked if he could clear the table
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In spite of a long run up he caught his back leg on a wine bottle

Good one Tim !

Nice!

I read a book recently on the Stockholm Syndrome.

It started off badly but by the end I loved it.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light boob?

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to turn the bulb, and one to hold the step-mother, er, ladder.

I get on really well with my step ladder.

I booked a holiday to Australia but I messed it up and ended up going to Austria. I couldn’t understand why the kangaroos were speaking German.

If Harry Kane had shot John Lennon he'd be 80 now.

The Flat Earth Society is reporting that the six foot social distancing measures pushed many of their members over the edge.

caught his back leg on a wine bottle

Lucky he didn't catch his front leg eh

Turns out I completely misunderstood the idea behind Pride month. Now I need to sell 15 lions.

Square to circle: 'you're pointless'.

Circle's reply to square: 'that's just how I roll'

I was shocked to hear that michael gove and sarah vine are separating after 20 years of marriage
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How could it have lasted that long

The game could be called off as one of the Ukrainian players has tested positive for covid
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It's the leftback tikli chestikof