Jokes / Joke du jour!

I made a belt last night from herbs picked from our garden
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My wife told me it's a waist of thyme

Had she also been picking herbs before giving that sage advice

A schizophrenic gardening friend of mine told me they've been hearing
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Voices in their shed

I've put a central reservation in my brassicas
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It's now a dual cabbage way

I've just turned down a job as a vegetable gardener
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The celery was too low

Er ahem does anyone know how to grow ferns ?
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Just asking for a frond

Superb

Do you do stand up @JAHtim?

After every shit.

Greetings eb ... no I usually sit down to write these
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Hope everyone is doing well
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Peace and love

You're my worst nightmare in terms of stand up. I've sat through people doing twenty mins of one liners, and I've wanted to kill everyone in the room

Other than that.......

my sources tell me Elton John doesn't like lettuce.
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he's more of a rocket man

I took some time out of my busy schedule to read Gregor Mendel's ' experiments on plant hybridisation '
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I really enjoyed the peas and quiet

A deaf gardening friend of mine was struggling with their hearing aid. Until they decided to...
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Turnip the volume

Nicholas parsons was renowned for the quality of his garden
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He had the Soil of the Century

I've sat through people doing twenty mins of one liners

That can be deadly boring, but some people do it well. Tim Vine, for instance. There's an art to building links and themes between the gags and bringing the audience with you.

It's not for me at all. It's just Pavlovian after a while.

I could watch endless Tim Vine/Milton Jones/Stewart Francis. Their stuff can get repetitive after watching a few shows but given their jokes/time vs other types of stand-up it's pretty forgivable IMO

A ski instructor friend of mine is in a bad mood
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They're really piste off

@eb meet @HatBeard

A yeti friend of mine has been working out during lockdown
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They're now the abdominal snowman

A friend of mine has just finished an airfix Eskimo village kit
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Igloo 'd it all together in an hour or so

I got an answer wrong about the inhabitants of the arctic on our local pub quiz
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I was sure Inuit

I took my dog to a new vet the other day. I had to fill out a questionnaire on his health. I wasn’t sure how to respond to “please give details about any current or previous parasitic infestations” so I just put a tick in the box.

ha ha!