Jokes / Joke du jour!

Two guys chatting to each other, one asks "If you were stranded on an island, who would you want to be with?"

The second guy thinks for a while and answers "My uncle John"

The first guy is a bit confused by the response and asks why.

"Because he's got a boat."

meh..

As night is fading two hungry vampires are back in the cave, one turns to the other.
"It's no good I can't survive a whole day with no food, I'm going out again"
His mate tries everything to stop him as one touch of sunlight will turn him to dust but to no avail, it's only ten minutes to sunrise and so he transforms himself into a bat.
2 minutes later he returns.
He is covered in blood, dripping from his mouth and all over him.
"Where on earth did you get all that blood?" asks his mate changing also to bat form.
They fly out of the cave and perch on a ledge.
"See that tree?" asks the one who went out.
"Yeah?" Replies his hungry friend
"Well I fucking didn't!"

fucking brilliant

my grand dad spent the whole of the second world war drawing
he was hit by a doodle bug

courtesy of tim vine
what a great standup that bloke is
all of his jokes are one liners
really good indeed

Found out I was colour blind today......it hit me like a bolt out the green!

I got a little dog today that used to belong to a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

^^ perfect humour
why bother wwith all those long jokes when you can hit the spot with one short sentence

a man goes for a job as a blacksmith, the first thing he gets asked is if he can shoe a horse, he replies, 'No, but i once told a donkey to fuck off!'

I got a little dog today that used to belong to a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

this!

a man goes for a job as a blacksmith, the first thing he gets asked is if he can shoe a horse, he replies, 'No, but i once told a donkey to fuck off!'

Two hookers standing on a street corner, one asks the other "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?", "No but i've been swung around by the nipples"

I got a little dog today that used to belong to a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

That's a bit ruff

I was on Dragon's Den once but got chucked out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.

My girlfriend has just been admitted to hospital with two black eyes and a fractured jaw, apparently I misunderstood her when she said she wanted decking in the garden.

Lost out on the pub quiz last night by a single point, the tie-breaker was "Where do women most have curly hair?"

...apparently it's Africa.

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone

What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

^ neg rep

Whoops, reposts aplenty:

http://www.lfgss.com/post1475733-685.html

http://www.lfgss.com/post1475996-686.html

Still my favourite cheese-related joke:

http://www.lfgss.com/post1476056-689.html

Just got sent this and thought it was worth sharing:

I have an evil masterplan.
I'm going to drill a giant hole through the moon, then thread a giant piece of string through it.
Then finally I can conker the world!

shouldn't you be riding to dunwich.
your jokes are shit.

Just woke up about an hour ago dude, early morning rides and I never mix.

:)
i failed too, so no worries. but mainly due to room redecoration.

Josef Fritzel's being flown to Chile. Apparently he has invaluable experience in keeping minors alive underground.