Jokes / Joke du jour!

Theresa may has just been admitted to hospital after accidentally swallowing several toy plastic horses
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Doctors have described her condition as strong and stable

Ha!

A friend of mine has been doing an online hokey cokey class
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They've mastered the ins and outs ...

Top tier dad joke.

Were my neighbours upset when I bought a didgeridoo?

NooooooooooooooOOOOOOoOooOOoooooOOOOOooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmwaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Didgeridon’t.

I once saw a busker playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought to myself "That's Abba-riginal"

A friend of mine has been caught selling filing cabinets to the mafia
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He was involved in well organised crime

Reports are coming in of fighting in the terrapin enclosure at Newcastle zoo
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Some bloke turtle-ly lost it

Witnesses report hearing the man shouting howay pet, presumably warning it to stay back.

Hope everyone is doing well
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Last one from me this year
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Peace and love in 2021
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I went to see the doctor about my kleptomania

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He asked if I was taking anything for it ?
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'Whatever I can get my hands on ...'

A man is sitting next to his newborn baby's cot. From the other room his father comes in and lays a hand on his shoulder.

"You've done really well, mate. You'll make a brilliant dad."

The son looks up and smiles with a bit of anxiety in his voice. "Thanks, Dad. I really hope so."

The old man pulls out a small book from his back pocket and hands it to his son. "Now that you're a parent, I'd like you to have this. I studied it for the first year of your life and memorised every single one. I'd love you to use it for my grandson."

The son looks at the cover which is titled 1000 Dad Jokes To Annoy Your Children. He looks up with tears in his eyes. "Dad...I'm honoured."

His dad smiles: "Hello, Honoured. I'm Dad."

Hello is that the Met Police? I'd like to report a crime.......

A strong start to 2021.

A twill fabric factory owner friend of mine has shut down after a covid scare
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They'd heard of a serge in cases

I remember when you went to a newsagent with £1 and left with 2 bags of crisps, a chocolate bar and a magazine.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

A man comes out of a room, tears running down his cheeks, shouting: It's a boy, it's a boy!!
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Needless to say, he never went back on holidays to Thailand...

My favourite Rhianna song is Umbrella.

That makes me a umbrella stan

A couple of lab technician friends of mine are having marital difficulties
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They're gonna be phialing for divorce

If anyone wants a copy of "osteopath weekly" I have some back issues.

Did you read the osteopath joke I posted recently? It was about a weak back

bwahaha

A cocaine enthusiast friend of mine has just finished a book on meaning that is implied rather than explicitly stated.
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They've been reading between the lines

Fucking hell

A friend of mine has been reading that book on ketamine for what seems like months.