Jokes / Joke du jour!

Lots of marriages go a similar whey, sadly.

A CEO and his younger protégé are playing golf before another busy day of non-stop meetings.

The CEO is lining up a putt when a funeral procession drives by. He stops, takes off his hat and waits silently for the procession to pass.

The protégé, impressed by his mentor’s gracious manners, says: “Well that was very polite of you.”

The CEO lines up his putt again and says: “It’s the least I could, we were married for 30 years after all.”

^ I breathed air out my nose more forcefully then usual.

An orthodontist friend of mine is worried about their job
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They're bracing themselves for bad news

I caught up with a guy on a tandem at some lights the other day. I jokingly asked about his usual partner.
“my wife and I used to tandem everywhere together but she’s passed away”
I offered to join him for a ride one day if he was interested
“Thanks, but it’s ok, I have lots of friends who have offered”
I asked where they were today seeing as he was on his own
“They’re all at her funeral”

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1 Attachment

Are they looking down in the mouth?

Well it's a real kick in the teeth

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But they'll get presented with a plaque from the boss

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Ah it's going to be the second in command who will be filling in on their Oral b half

Who's the one with glasses and a hat?

I think that's Frank Carson, appearing twice.

I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets that I've signed a partition.

Dim brother 1: saw a book today titled, “How to solve 50% of your problems”, so I bought two books..

Dim brother 2: Idiot, just buy one book and read it twice..

That made me actually laugh, not just chuckle :)

Some dude at a bar asked if he could snort a line off my Rolex and I was like nah bro, not on my watch.

A man's wife has had enough of his drinking and coming home drunk, so issues him an ultimatum; if you come home drunk again I'm leaving.

The following day he's on his way home from work, having avoided temptation, when he bumps into an old friend who suggests they go for a quick drink to catch up. He thinks to himself that a quick drink won't do any harm and agrees.

Four hours later he's very drunk and throws up all over himself. He's despondent now as he knows his wife will leave him. His friend notices his sullen mood and asks him what's the matter. He explains the situation and his friend comes up with a bright idea, "Put a £20 pound note in your pocket and tell her someone threw up over you and gave you £20 to get your clothes cleaned." He thinks this is a brilliant idea and puts £20 in his pocket.

After another couple of drinks he heads home and is met in the hallway by his wife. "Right, that's it!" she says, "I told you not to get drunk. Look at the state of you!"

"I'm not drunk", he protests, "I met an old friend on the way home and we went for a quick drink. Unfortunately someone next to us at the bar was drunk and threw up all over me. He was most apologetic and gave me £20 to get my clothes cleaned. Look." he says reaching into his pocket, and pulls out two £20 notes.

"What's the other £20 for?" asks his wife.

"That was from the bloke who shat in my pants".

Courtesy of Clement Freud.

I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets that I've signed a partition.

Love it!

I had a Rudy Giuliani joke, but it lost it's appeal.

.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g17DL1YJ730

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_uCKFcH3WA

This may of been already posted but what the hell.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

I've just watched a silk worm race
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It ended in a tie

I've just watched a cannabis enthusiasts race
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It was a draw with two in joint first place

I've just watched a levering contest
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There were some great prises

My wife just left me because I am too insecure.

Oh, wait... no. She just went to make a cup of tea.

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