Jokes / Joke du jour!

Knock knock !
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Who's there ?
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Dishes!
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Dishes who?
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Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery. Trick or Treat

A friend of mine was mugged by a couple of sloths last night
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The police asked if he could describe the attackers but he said it all just happened so quickly

An escaped convict friend of mine has sawn the legs off his bed
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He plans to lie low for a while

Might’ve been posted before.

A boss takes his two employees on a walk in the countryside. An hour in, they find a discarded lamp by the footpath. The boss picks it up and cleans it off. Out flies a genie, who tells them they each get two wishes.

The boss starts talking but his two employees interrupt.
Employee 1- I want a billion dollars and my own island in the Caribbean with a luxury mansion!
Employee 2- I want a billion dollars too, and my own chateau with a vineyard in France!
The genie grants their wishes and poof, they disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Genie- And for you?
Boss- I want their billion dollars and I want them both back in the office on Monday.

Saw that today .. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/nov/01/two-men-arrested-india-aladdin-lamp-con

BREAKING: UK terrorism threat level raised to SEVERE - Meaning terrorists can no longer meet indoors but can still gather in groups of up to 6 outside.

Excellent

Brilliant!

I put on a clean pair of socks every day. By Friday I can’t get my shoes on.

Lol. More of this please.

I refuse to lol based on this hitting home too hard.

https://twitter.com/i/status/1324303206755741697
Scroll down for the Cat

A hippopotamus can run at 40mph, and swim at 20mph. So if you’re ever up against a hippo in a triathlon, try and make up time on the bike.

I entered a blindfolded wanking contest last night, fuck knows where I came though

Perfect

Amazing

Not usually a fan of such lewd jokes, but that’s a fucking peach

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot:

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this." Said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied. "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

"My goodness gracious." Said the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

"I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time."

Good one.

..classic!

When I was a courier that was my controller's favourite joke - that's 25 years ago.

“I’m not sure mum. It depends if the fucking bricks turn up tomorrow”.

My mate John Taylor, around 30 years ago.

So glad the Biden v Trump result was finally called, it's amazing how 2 guys in their 70s could maintain an election for so long.

It’s just a case of massaging the right figures.

Fresh off Reddit:

‘In other news, Trump’s library burned down. Both books were destroyed. He hadn’t even finished colouring the second one.’