Jokes / Joke du jour!

Burger me!

I remember, when I was a small boy in the 1960s, saying "Dad, what's an anachronism?", and he simply replied "Google it".

Pleased to Meat you

100% not horse (honest)

Cows about that then

Hello, is it meat you're looking for?

Willies clits and bums in a bap

To the guy who stole my anti-depressants:

I hope you’re happy now

They say you’re never more than 6 feet from a rat.

What they don’t tell you is that it’s always the same rat.

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

That's a really good one.

Best in about a fortnight I reckon. :D

Fantastic!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-45238696
best jokes from edinburgh

Supported by 41% of the public who voted for the award was: "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

Best of the rest
The other jokes making the top ten were:
"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

Astronaut 1: “but we haven’t taken off yet, stop hiding the milk you clown”

I thought the job centre one was shite when I heard it on the news this morning but if that’s the pish it was up against...

Concur. It doesn't even seem to be well put together - why is it tense? Why not just:

"I got fired from the Jobcentre. The bastards still made me come in the next day."

to be fair he does say it was basically a brain fart and not a joke he'd worked on before the fringe.

Overthinking the punchline...

My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

The Tardis one is pretty good.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

That joke has global appeal

I'd say it appealed across the board.

Lol

when i was a kid, my english teacher pointed in my direction and said, 'name two pronouns' i replied 'who, me?'

the past, present and future walked into a bar, it was tense

english rulez wot i learnt
i before e, except when you run a feisty, heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour..

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