Jokes / Joke du jour!

ITYM those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. If Chinese whispers have taken it to there, fail.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers repaired. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realises he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that get laid.

Ftfy

When I first met my wife I was left with the impression that she had kept parrots and the like. When she'd said she'd had a Cockatoo I took that at face value.

Biggest parakeets I've ever seen.

Have you ever had a parrot on your left shoulder?
Have you ever had a parrot on your right shoulder?
Stick out your tongue
I bet that's seen a Cockatoo

A true classic, my dad told me that joke decades ago :)

Did you hear about the sceptical wanker?
He couldn't believe he pulled it off

No one's heard of Stephen Fry's younger brother. He's kind of small fry.

Did your little brother just make that up?

A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations for what?” asks the contractor
“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”
“But that’s not true,” says the contractor. “I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets!”

A recent breakthrough has allowed researchers to grow vocal chords in a Petri dish. There's been scepticism from the wider scientific community, but the results speak for themselves...

Shit me. I produced a criminal masterminds LOL after reading that, Chapeau.

I didn't realise 'Father Ted' was a documentary ( for those who love Ireland ).

Brilliant

Went in Waterstones, said "Got any books on turtles?". The lady said "Hardback" I said "Yeah, and little heads".

Ha. That one got me.

A lorry full of terrapins crashed into a van carrying tortoises....

It was a turtle disaster

I ordered a housework robot on line and they've sent me a judo instructor one by mistake. It's thrown me a bit.

on line

That's lovely :-)

Why didn't the millennial Scouser drive? Because he didn't avacado.

Doesn't make grammatical sense. Should be something like:
A millennial Scouser had to go to to a mates house 10 miles away but he didn't avocado.