Jokes / Joke du jour!

Two ladies are standing outside a dress shop.

One nudges the other and say 'Look, there: that's the one I'd get'

The door opens and a cyclops comes out and punches her...

Whats the Incredible Hulks' favourite tube station

Turnham Green..

getting coat now

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

One for the chemistry students:

Two hyrdrogen atoms walking down the street. The first one stops. "I think I've lost an electron," he says.

"Are you sure?" says the second.

"I'm positive."

Boom boom.

you can play that spice girls song now.

Well, if offensive jokes are allowed:

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

The little girl in Gary Glitter's basement.

what do you call a fanny in a straight jacket??

a mad cnut.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Bit of both, this is a rape.

woman runs into a police station shouting "grape grape grape' the policeman says dont you mean rape? she says no there was a bunch of them?

Why does Gary Glitter like twenty-seven-year-olds?

Because there are twenty of them.

George W.Bush and Dick Cheney are watching Fox News in the Oval Office when the newscaster announces that four Brazillian soldiers were killed by a carbomb in Iraq.

Bush drops to the floor, crying out in anguish, then rushes into a side room, locking the door behind him. Cheney approaches the door, knocks lightly and says 'Dubya, are you ok?'

Bush sobs heavily from behind the door but, after a couple of minutes he emerges, pale as a ghost and still wiping tears from his eyes. He sits down, closes his eyes for a moment and asks: 'Ok, Dick. How many millions are there in a Brazillian?'

----- Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

mdx: finally a funny one, nice :)

most of those are pretty good. i refuse to read photoben's because last time someone one some other site posted a long joke i quit about 1/4 of the way through when i saw it going no where. someone said it turned out to be 11,000 words. so fuck that.

how do you circumsize a red neck?

kick his sister in the jaw.

(bad american one, i know)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Cover with petrol, ignite.. WOOF!

How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Put it in the freezer and then run it through a band saw... MRREEOW!

R. Kelly and his girlfriend are arguing:

'I'm leaving you, R. - you're a filthy paedophile!'

'Oooooooh, big word for a ten-year-old!'

Why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?

Because the jungle is MASSIV.

Why did the fireman get buried behind the hill?

Because he was dead.

Why did the girl fall off her bike?

Because she was hit by a fridge.

Why did the first Koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?
It was playing follow the leader.
Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?
It was stappled to the second Koala.
Why did the fourth Koala fall out of the tree?
It got hit by a fridge.
How did the Kangaroo die?
It got hit by four Koala's and a fridge.

asm Why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?

Because the jungle is MASSIV.

Why did the fireman get buried behind the hill?

Because he was dead.

Why did the girl fall off her bike?

Because she was hit by a fridge.

ASM, my donkey joke is better than that!

the donkey joke is actually my favourite of the lot..is that wrong?

Gary is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse Andrea appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, Andrea replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash
your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles

she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one and and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There 's nothing wrong with them Sir!!"

Gary pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely... "Are - my - test - results - back!"

Did you hear about the Eskimo lottery?

You have to be Innuit to win it!

A bloke on holiday in spain, walks into a bar. In the corner of the bar he sees a bloke who looks just like Adolf Hitler.
bloke goes up to the barman and say "is that Adolf Hitler over there in the corner?"
Barman: "Yes it is, he's been here since just after the war, every day just sits in this bar, drinking"
Bloke: "No way, I don't believe that's Adolf Hitler"
Barman: "Buy him a pint, and go and sit at his table, he'll tell you all about it"
Bloke buys him a pint and walks over to the table "Is it ok to take a seat"
Adolf: "yes"
Bloke: "Are you Adolf Hitler?"
Adolf: "Yes"
Bloke: "The same Adolf Hitler that carried out all those terrible things during the 2nd world war?"
Adolf: "Yes"
Bloke: "Was you as bad as everyone makes out?"
Adolf: "Well, I killed six million jews and eight clowns"
Bloke: "EIGHT CLOWNS!!!!"
Adolf turns to the barman "see, I told you nobody gives a f&ck about the Jews"