Jokes / Joke du jour!

your cousin has been reading micks facebook then

plagiarist

and now on mine.

Q. How did the hipster burn his mouth? A. He ate his lunch before it was cool.

Brilliant.

I was telling that ages ago (on a cooler forum)

Love that

I was telling that ages ago (on a cooler forum)

bikeradar?

How many Hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You've probably never heard of the number...

bikeradar?

Pistonheads

Pistonheads

grindr?

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

I was listening to Sean Paul and Blu Cantrell's record "Breathe" and I was doing so, for some reason a thought entered my head: What would the track be like if it was done by Dr Dre and Xzibit? Then I realised I didn't actually care - I mean.. What's the difference?

hangover of century = humour fail get out of jail card

"You go, girlfriend!"

A terrible way to split up with someone. But there we have it. I'm not proud of the fact.

From Sebas (@OhLookBirdies):

First they came for the mutes, and I did not speak out......... because I am a mute.

Whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics the other has high bollocks.

I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.

She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"

"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

I use the kids as a way to start conversations with women.

Like, "Bring me the ransom money or I'll kill them both!"

My dog and I are a lot like a married couple.

We don't have sex anymore.

I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.

She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"

"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

good one!

I went into Millets the other day, I asked the assistant, "What are those dome shaped things".
"Tents".
"Hurgh! What are those dome shaped things"

On my way home I popped into the hardware store, to get some wire.
"I need a new cable for my TV" I said.
"Flex?"
"Hurgh! I need a new cable for my TV"

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Fabio Capello resigns to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.

My wife's always walking into things and getting hurt.

Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was fucking her sister.