Jokes / Joke du jour!

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

A Baboom !

Thats a Ridgeback Storm or Bora with a set of DMR Wingbars (braced and steel).

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Nick Helm. Winner of best joke at Edinburgh Fringe 2011.

steve job(less)

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Nick Helm. Winner of best joke at Edinburgh Fringe 2011.

I prefered two of the other finalists:

**DeAnne Smith: **"My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

**Alan Sharp: **"I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

I prefered two of the other finalists:

**DeAnne Smith: **"My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

**Alan Sharp: **"I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
Exactly my two choices.

Agreed, I liked the voicemail one too.

FRINGE comedians. Convince audiences you are 'cutting edge' by using a Powerpoint presentation in your act. And no jokes.

I did a Fringe show with Alan two years ago - that was his best joke then too......shame

ha

My wife's boss phoned me today.

"Is Helen there?"
"She's in bed, unfortunately the alarm didn't go off"
"Can you wake her up?"
"No, and neither can the fire brigade."

Oh it seems the PR company for Nick Helm fucked up his joke - it should read ""I needed a password WITH eight characters, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"

which works much better

Still a bloody old joke that wasn't actually that funny when I first heard it.

Unlike the heroin one which was beautiful.

i don't think it's that good, either

WARNING: If you receive an email saying, "2 Free tickets to James Blunt" Whatever you do DO NOT OPEN IT!!!

It contains 2 free tickets to see James Blunt.

Now that was worth a real life lol.

^ yus, great quickie

WARNING: If you receive an email saying, "2 Free tickets to James Blunt" Whatever you do DO NOT OPEN IT!!!

It contains 2 free tickets to see James Blunt.

Agreed.. I have to nick for FB mick.. I will credit you as ever..

X

So, the Big Brother House has Jedward and a swimming pool

Where the fuck is Michael Barrymore when you need him?!

A man gets raped by an elephant. The doctor asks why his arsehole is stretched to 10ins when an elephants cock is only 4ins wide?

Weeping, tha man replies: "The dirty bastard fingered me first!"

Lovely!

I had a spot of bother with Jimmy my Scottish friend this morning. I saw he had a black eye and I said to him, "Jesus Jimmy, what happened?" He replied that he took his girlfriend home, introduced her to his dad and it all kicked off. He said, "This is Amanda." and his dad jumped up and said "It's a fucking what?" The rest is history...

Laying in bed with the wife I looked in her eyes and said, "Seeing your face reminds me of winning the lottery," "Because i'm worth millions to you?" she replied.

"No, because i'd wish you'd fucking rollover"

I'll never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb inside old tyres and roll down the hills.

They were goodyears.

Laying in bed with the wife I looked in her eyes and said, "Seeing your face reminds me of winning the lottery," "Because i'm worth millions to you?" she replied.

"No, because i'd wish you'd fucking rollover"

One for you Mick....

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her