Jokes / Joke du jour!

Give it time.

Hang on, penny's just dropped. Yes, good.

so have i missed the point of this joke completely - my god i really am stupid. going to sleep.

Have you seen those new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines all over the world.

Q - What is Mr T's favourite yoghurt?
A - A Petit Filous.

Q - How do you scare a scientist?
A - With the element of surprise.

Right, with the confusion it has caused that Hasselhoff joke is my new favourite. Similarly:

What's 6 inches long and starts with a p?

A crap.

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite an absolutely stunning Thai girl. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

wheres the punchline?

You should have said

"But the woman sat opposite me got an erecrtion, meaning she was a bloke. and i had thought she was a women and in fact fancied her. meaning i might be gay"

would have been much snappier

As in he should have said, "Sure thing, The Hoff"?.

Which would mean, I'm supposed to believe that 'no hassle' is in some way a reference to The Hoff's proper surname?

I really don't get it.

So, the agent says "no hassle", which is almost, but not quite, like saying "No Hasselhoff", which would be the same as being called The Hoff, as he wants.

Right?

Hasselhoff = hassel + hoff

therfore

hasselhoff - hassle = hoff

You should have said

"But the woman sat opposite me got an erecrtion, meaning she was a bloke. and i had thought she was a women and in fact fancied her. meaning i might be gay"

would have been much snappier

I was sucking off this Thai girl last night, then I thought to myself, "...hang on a second"

Literally laughed out loud

I used to be a necrophiliac...

Until the rotten cunt split on me.

Going now.

whoah there

There's nothing quite like cracking open a cold one.

A mate of mine was thinking of getting into necrophilia, beatiality and S&M.

I told him he was flogging a dead horse.

One day a wife was in the kitchen and realised she needed some things from the shop. She called on her developer husband to run down the shop and pick up the goods. "I need you to pick up a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get half a dozen"

A short while later the husband returns to wife with 6 loaves of bread.

"They had eggs!" the husband explained.

A shepherd says to his sheepdog, "Go into that field and count the sheep" The dog runs off, comes back 2 mins later and says "There are 40" The shepherd says "That's funny, there should only be 37"

The dog says "Yeah I know, but I rounded them up!"

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The Priest says "Sorry, but you cant be in here" The boson replies, "But without me you cant have mass"

A mate of mine was thinking of getting into necrophilia, beatiality and S&M.

'Beatiality'

sniggers

Damn crappy phone keyboard.

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I slap the wife and tell her ''2 sugars, fat arse"

A shepherd says to his sheepdog, "Go into that field and count the sheep" The dog runs off, comes back 2 mins later and says "There are 40" The shepherd says "That's funny, there should only be 37"

The dog says "Yeah I know, but I rounded them up!"

I lolled

as did I

One for the math folk:

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He snears at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He laughs at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He looks down as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, "Damn, it's great to be e^x. I’m real analytic everywhere. I'm my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck."

Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.
"What's wrong with you?!" demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3's eyes and says "You look terrified!"

"I am!" says 3. "There’s a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I'll be reduced to nothing! I've got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.

"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I’ve got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I'll still be there."

So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I’m e^x."

"Hi. I’m d / dy."

somebody explain.....