I hate

Smelly bogeys.

They're usually green, and reek of bacteria.

Which leads me to....

Why is it whenever you go into a cafe the fella behind the counter always seems to have soil in his ears

"Yes sir what can I get you?"

"Egg & bacon toasted white sandwich please mate...with ketchup"

2mins later:

"Was that white or brown bread?

"White please"

"Butter?"

"Please"

2mins later:

"Any sauce?"

"Ketchup please"

"Anything else"

Oh FFS, if I wanted anything else I would have said you deaf cunt!*

*disn't actually say that, only in my head

Had this exact scenario in a Cafe Nero the other day. 'Large Americano with milk, take away please'

'Large or Small?' she said

'Sit in or takeaway?' she said

'You want milk in it?'

So when she said £2.10 I said how much? Sorry how much? Sorry, how much....?

Yeah take that you fucking 'Barista'.....

'Barista' pfff... they don't even wear silly wigs and a cape.

The people who come out of Tag: on Clerkenwell Road. They wear Topman shirts and holiday in Magaluf. I hate them.

How is that a good thing? Sounds like a shit thing.

How is that a good thing? Sounds like a shit thing.

Well I'm not on clerkenwell road so it obviously doesn't apply to me.

Well I'm not on clerkenwell road so it obviously doesn't apply to me.

Where joo work?

E-mail recieved at work:
"I would like to see a ***** so I can have a good look at it. It seems from info on the web to be exactly what I need.
In which of your London stores might I see one?"

My reply:
"Hello *****
Currently we are showing stock in our *****, *****, ***** and ***** stores. I’d recommend phoning the stores to check they are available before making a journey, as items can sell and stock levels can change very quickly.
All our stores contact details can be found at www.etcetc

He replies
"OK if you can't be troubled to find out neither can I
I shall use another supplier"

WTF? Read my e-mail, I just answered your question!

no you totally should have phoned every single store yourself not knowing which one the customer intended to go to rather than him having to make a single call to the shop that he knows is closest to him.

Which leads me to....

Why is it whenever you go into a cafe the fella behind the counter always seems to have soil in his ears

Also:

"and a Coke please"

"Is Pepsi alright?"

"Is Monopoly money alright?!"

People that leave their shopping basket on the floor and fuck off, then come back and say "excuse me I was in the queue"

No you weren't, your basket was on the floor. Join the back like everyone else you tosspot.

Drop tubes of Preparation H into it if it's unattended.

Which would involve you leaving the queue as well to get some, unless you just leave your basket on the floo-

Oh the dilemma!

or just pile 40 bags of maltesers from the sweet racks which are invariably alongide the checkout Q in their basket and watch as everyone gives him/her 'fat bitch' looks.

I like your style

Also:

"and a Coke please"

"Is Pepsi alright?"

"Is Monopoly money alright?!"

The correct answer is "whatever dude"

"and 6 spicy wings"

People that leave their shopping basket on the floor and fuck off, then come back and say "excuse me I was in the queue"

No you weren't, your basket was on the floor. Join the back like everyone else you tosspot.

Yeah, hate this - WELL annoying, happened to me the other night with some fat bitch. She came back and said "Excuse me, I was there" I just turned round and said, "No, you're basket's there but you fucked off...I'm here now and I've gotta get home"

Something similar happened to me the other month at Oxford Circus tube when I slapped up some city boy geezer and I nearly got nicked!

or just pile 40 bags of maltesers from the sweet racks which are invariably alongide the checkout Q in their basket and watch as everyone gives him/her 'fat bitch' looks.

^ This!
And while you're at it, try and stuff as many copies of the celebrity mags in there: Closer, Now, Look etc.

People that leave their shopping basket on the floor and fuck off, then come back and say "excuse me I was in the queue"

No you weren't, your basket was on the floor. Join the back like everyone else you tosspot.

Another similar thing which I hate(and already posted about) is when you're in your car and you pull up to a petrol station, there's a car in front at the pump.
They get out and don't even use the pumps but go inside and do a fuckin weekly shop! Get out the way you cunt, it's a petrol station NOT fuckin ASDA!!

Yeah, hate this - WELL annoying, happened to me the other night with some fat bitch. She came back and said "Excuse me, I was there" I just turned round and said, "No, you're basket's there but you fucked off...I'm here now and I've gotta get home"

this is exactly perfect response.

With petrol stations I used to get dead arsey about who was in which que and who was 'technically' first, but then I got older and wiser (dizzy wise old age of 24) and now just choose one then relax with some music (which may or may not relax the rest of the forecourt, but meh).

With bars I use the soviet method of queing, which is to basically breath down the neck of the person infront to prevent anyone squeezing in the gap. Anyone TRIES to squeeze in the gap I just slowly turn into them, push with chest/shoulders until they are far enough away, then resume cramming where I was before. The key is to never speak, and never make eye contact or remove hands from pockets, just slowly but firmly push them with your chest.
Reason its called the soviet method is in essentially all ex-soviet countries he who is at the line first, gets first, nothing to do with who has stood their the longest. I learnt this the hard way many times when over there.

I.E. stood in a bank, theres a man with a gun on the door, another by the counter, yet if you leave more than 8" (depth of a human torso) between you and the person infront, another person will just calmly walk from the back and slowly but firmly wedge themselves into the 8" gap, hands in pockets, eyes front, no words.

With bars I use the soviet method of queing, which is to basically breath down the neck of the person infront to prevent anyone squeezing in the gap. Anyone TRIES to squeeze in the gap I just slowly turn into them, push with chest/shoulders until they are far enough away, then resume cramming where I was before. The key is to never speak, and never make eye contact or remove hands from pockets, just slowly but firmly push them with your chest.
Reason its called the soviet method is in essentially all ex-soviet countries he who is at the line first, gets first, nothing to do with who has stood their the longest. I learnt this the hard way many times when over there.

I.E. stood in a bank, theres a man with a gun on the door, another by the counter, yet if you leave more than 8" (depth of a human torso) between you and the person infront, another person will just calmly walk from the back and slowly but firmly wedge themselves into the 8" gap, hands in pockets, eyes front, no words.

Sounds like Paris

Your sultry tones make everything sound like Paris.

my local aldi does not provide hand carry baskets.

(On those self check outs)
Why are you happy for me to have a gaming magazine that has an 18+ on it, bypassing it on your bloody pincode, but not allowing me to have my fucking beer cos I dont have ID cos I look under 25? The drinking age is 18 you cunt of a bitch
Fucking ASDA jobsworth.

• Crossed the road and got served beer without getting ID'D at Tescos.