I hate

People who can't spell 'chairs'

Brought. No, you've bought it you fucking cretin.

This one gets me too.

Did you bring it yeah?

I prefer the sound of 'brought' so I use it over 'bought'. It's a real power move and usually gains me top status in a business or food-service environment.

You married your mum?

How very East Anglian of you.

Been there, suffered that. When I was a kid my father dragged me to the church choir ever week. Utter purgatory. I suppose I should be thankful nothing unlawful ever went on but it's an episode in my life I would rather never happened.

See also:

'Can I get a flat white?'

Are you asking for a job, or do you actually want the person serving to get it instead?

Isn't the 'Can' bit wrong too? Shouldn't it be 'May I have...'

Isn't that too strict an interpretation of 'can'? I feel like it's being used in the sense of 'Am I allowed to' or 'this is something I'd like to do' all the time.

You can hate both 'get' and 'can' in that utterance, but you'd have to do some pretty impressive mental gymnastics to prove that either is wrong.

'Can you get me a flat white, please?'

I don't like that either.

Coffee, you cunt.

CUP / MUG of coffee, cuntox.

I caught myself saying this recently and had about two days of self loathing.

I often park in the parent and child bays with a completely clear conscience.

I used to have a mate who started saying 'can I get' intentionally because he thought it sounded 'cooler'. Like you know, how they say it in the American films!
We're not friends anymore.

I had a friend in school who was a self-styled ‘businessman’ (to be fair, he did start a business while at school then left to go full time and is now far richer than I will ever be). He used to say ‘oh, bee tee double-yew, did you watch red dwarf last night?’.

It’s more syllables than saying ‘by the way’ for fucks sake.

when i pulled espresso for a living we would say 'its better if we get it for you'
and if someone said 'can i have' would would say 'you can, would you like one?'
cunts, all of us.

^^You must have mixed feelings about 'C U next Tuesday'.

That would have been annoying to hear as a customer but I would have enjoyed hearing it.

I think that would have been the last coffee I brought from you guys....

that's not even the reason we're no longer trading...

Oh dear. Well I have a pretty good mental image of the type of place you worked in.

...most people.

would have been the last

Would of been, surely...