For Sale: Foffa Single Speed Custom-built bicycle

That was a stink hand...

How the fuck did you manage to swallow that gigantic onion string in the first place?

Usually people report that tape worms look like onions

Does anyone know where I can buy an overpriced second hand Foffa single speed?

^ Not here, sorry. This is the Stories that contain shit, thread!

Oh. UTFS has failed me again.

Not often I get to work and think 'I wish I had some good stories about shitting myself'

wireless router + laptop = win.

The poo was caused by the excitement of the auction.

It's like when you're waiting for a taxi that's gonna take you for a massive session.

Always need to go poo.

We call it 'Pre sesh nerves', or pre session nerves.

Personally, I always need a dump when I'm playing hide and seek.

I get hidden.

A great spot, never going to get found.

I get excited.

I squirm.

The turtle is curious.

Mr Brown is at the window.

I touch cloth.

I leave my excellent hiding place to crimp of a length of dirty spine, losing the game in the process.

Life is cruel.

deserves to be here.

^ great tale

We'd just finished the Raid Dolomites, a 1200 km ride from Thonon-les-Bains to Trieste and were checking into our final hotel iin Trieste.

Much was being said about the terrible smell on the 2nd floor and, after getting my room key from reception for a room on the same floor, I headed up there. As soon as you walked along the corridor the smell was over powering and I walked swiftly to my room, opened the door and closed it rapidly behind me. Then I realised I'd left my bag in the lobby so, after sticking my head out of the window and filling my lungs with fresh(er) air, I dashed back down the corridor and took the stairs to reception.

As I retrieved my bag, two paramedics headed into the lift with a stretcher.

Some of my fellow travellers asked me about the smell and I confirmed it was bad. A couple of minutes later, I headed back upstairs and noticed the manager in a very animated conversation with one of the maids, opposite the room where the smell was emanating from. He was pleading with her but she clearly needed more persuasion to undertake the terrible task he wanted her to do.

As I walked past them heading to my room, the door of the room opened and, even today, some ten years later, the image I saw remains vivid in my mind. Inside the paramedics were bringing out an old lady in her nightie, covered in human excrement and the bed and walls of the room also had a fine covering of it. The stench was unbelieveable and I gagged as I burst into a run to get to my room and away from it. After a quick shower, I left the room and headed out for lunch, the door to room 212 ominously shut and the smell still lingering.

Later we found out from one of the staff that the old lady had been booked into the hotel by her family whilst they went away on holiday. Whether she'd had some kind of breakdown or had decided to stage her own dirty protest was unclear.

I imagine the maid still has nightmares about the job she had to undertake.

I am about to clean shit from someone elses arse.

Anyone who has kids has had to undertake the same task.

But it's never fun.

But always better than cleaning a grown man's arse.

[QUOTE=JamesQGM;3732571]

"I've shat all over your monkey mat"

I keep thinking of this when I was out last night and breaking into giggles....

I have a feeling "dirty protest" will have the same effect...

I can imagine the poor old lady thinking Right... I'll show the f'ckers.....

I keep thinking of monkey mat to the tune of "monster mash"

Snotter and Scuffolk repped for their double act on the previous page... which is a shame as I can now not rep Scuffolk for his "modest parp" story.

James QGM duly repped also. This is indeed gold. I note the distinct lack of forum ladies chipping in though. Is it true... do girls not poo?

Ex-wife does... not sure about girl.

Actually girls do poo. A very dashing friend of mine tells the story of losing his virginity to a far too sophisticated femme fatale who was waaaay more experienced than him. He moved her in to his parents place when they were on holiday and spent two weeks being educated in the ways of the flesh. His halcyon summer abruptly ended one morning when deciding she'd had enough of his youthful banality curled up a hot breakfast on his chest, grabbed her kit bag and let herself out never to be seen or heard from again.

Hats off to her, that's how you dump someone

"Hats off to her, that's how you take a dump on someone."

Fixed.

that's what he meant.

"He meant that."

Fixed.

^ Ow that's just...uncalled for.

My shit story was rated 3/10 I fear. Maybe girls stomach bugs just aren't the same. Maybe we don't drink enough. Maybe we know how to hide it.

I once vomited in a bin in the trainstation as I didn't want to leave a platter of steaming sweetcorn for others. That's just...rude. Maybe we just make less of a fuss ;)

I too have decorated a railway station with half-digested chip shop pie. Sorry Enfield Town staff, there was no other way.

Dr. Seuss could have written a book about me called "Oh, The Places You'll Spew!", such is my penchant for my body rejecting the filth that I put in it.

I had a job interview in a shop in Kensington and had to swifly void my stomache between two parked cars before hastily buying a can of lilt to remove the stench from my face before sweatily answering banal questions about my retail experience.

I also puked on and around commuters on a bus to work at 8am. The bus driver kindly let me off the bus so I could sprint into a McDonald's and ruin the men's unrinals with the rotting contents of my disgusting insides.