Jokes / Joke du jour!

My 7 year old son's favourite joke is bread-based:

Why were the bakers hands smelly?
Because he kneaded a poo.

I think you'll find that's poo-based.

What's brown and sticky?

Elton John's wedding ring.

Brilliant! Got any more? No really, that was fucking hilarious!

What's brown and sticky?

Elton John's wedding ring.

I think you'll find that's poo-based.

Kneaded to do this^

^^ it was a tad uncouth, but chill, it was humorous

Wrong on both counts.

A bit long and a bit stolen from farcebook.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

^ Repppppppppppp.........

ha

^^ LOL :) OK my very long joke... In The Netherlands...Belgians are the stupid ones in jokes. Though obv. the Belgians take it back out on us...apologies for shite Dutch to English rendering. I can't find this one online.

A Dutch and Belgian construction worker are working at height building a 30 storey tower block which is nearly finished.

The builders share lunch together, one lunchtime the Dutch builder goes "Ugh, gouda on brown bread again". The Belgian builder replies "Meh, I got Nutella on white bread again". So the Dutch builder proposes that if they have the same lunch again tomorrow, they will jump of the top of the tower. "Agreed" the Belgian builder responds.

The next day the Dutch builder has Gouda on brown bread and the Belgian builder Nutelle on white bread again, and as said so done and they both jump.

At the funeral of the Dutch builder the two widows meet. The Dutch widow sobs "I don't understand...he could have just told me...". The Belgian widow responds "I really don't understand...he always made his own lunch..."

How big is a catholic priest's bed?

Come on, every child nows that!

Just found out that Operation Yewtree is being carried out in Ireland.

The new protocol is used whenever any three suspects are apprehended.

I'm quite sore after last night's curry. I told my wife and she suggested 'ring sting?'.
He wasn't remotely interested.

^^ ha, very good!

If Michael Douglas really did say that oral sex gave him cancer, he's gone down a lot in my estimation.

Keeping up with the Jones?

It's disgusting how many people are making jokes about the Jackson child's suicide bid.

Shamone you all.

^^ groan...

I'm quite sore after last night's curry. I told my wife and she suggested 'ring sting?'.
He wasn't remotely interested.

Stolen. Repped.

+1

Apologies in advance for this:

Following the NSA scandal, rumour has it that Edward Snowden has hit the bottle. He always had a bad relationship with Booz.

A woman has been robbed of a very personal item of jewellry in Hyde Park, a group of young swans were seen running from the scene.

Police are saying it was a signet ring.

"I'm here for disappointment." Said the Jamaican, arriving for his appointment.

Apt.

^^ repped!

"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline..
What's the problem mate?"

"Hi Guys, I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up"

"Bummer Mate..."

"Thanks Guys, that's what I thought too.
Bye...