Jokes / Joke du jour!

That would be a shit-load funnier if you'd used a more realistic estimate of the cost of a rocket.

This is not true.

#oldjokeshome

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man......

yeah rocket lollies are only about £2

2 paaaand for a rocket lollie

your getting mugged off son!

Had two large fingers of a 12 year old last night and boy do I feel sore this morning. Should have used some coke....

[TimVine]One armed waiters; they can take it, but they can't dish it out[/TimVine]

The God Thor, rode into war.
On his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor!", he cried.
The horse replied,
"Then use the thaddle thilly!"

Christ.. These aren't getting any better..

The God Thor, rode into war.
On his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor!", he cried.
The horse replied,
"Then use the thaddle thilly!"

had to read that 3 times before i got it.

probably should have stopped after the first read.

Mr whippy the ice cream magnet has been found dead, with a flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands all over his cock and chocolate sauce on his balls. Police suspect he may have topped himself.

Why did the chicken go to see a medium?

To get to the other side.

Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?

The headlines read "Small medium at large".

Mr whippy the ice cream magnet has been found dead, with a flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands all over his cock and chocolate sauce on his balls. Police suspect he may have topped himself.

Reminded me of a favourite visual joke:
-Bend knees
-Gyrate hips in a circular motion
-Ask question: "what's this"?
-Answer: Mr Whippy doing a poo

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

He stayed awake at night wondering if dog exists.

.... ice cream magnate .....

What are the first three letters of the new Greek alphabet?

I O U

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's
Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a
spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water
and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in
their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon
was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per
table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number
of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it
with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was
impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked
off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you
have that string right there?'
Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned
also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can
pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use
the spoon.'

I phoned up my local pizza company and asked for a large pepperoni, a large ham and pineapple and a large margherita.
The guy on the phone asked "Do you want them on regular bases?"
"No, just tonight because it's my birthday."

There was a man from Nantucket
whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he came on his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."

There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the damn thing to brick
And it ripped all his foreskin away

There once was a man from Bundave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said I admit
That it smells like shit
But think of the money I save

There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who said that her cherry was broken
From riding her bike
Down a cobblestone pike
But it really was broken from poken

How much will a Cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene

That's actually funny! Do we have a jokes thread for jokes which are actually funny?

What are the first three letters of the new Greek alphabet?

I O U

nerged

There once was a man from Mars
Whose balls were made out of brass
In windy weather
They clanged together
And sparks shot out of his arse

(Credit to my dearly departed Grandma)