Jokes / Joke du jour!

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual conquests he'd had.

He fell asleep counting.

On the 10th anniversary of 9/11 the National Dyslexic Association are proud to support America's War on Trevor.

ive just been arrested for setting fire to the DFS shop in Croyden.
Its not so bad though, i have 5 years to pay the fine and i dont have to go to prison for 5 years

I was walking through the streets of Tottenham earlier when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach.

I was being stabbed.

Took a dyslexic girl home last night.

She ended up cooking my sock.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

Two vampire bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says:

"I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood. I can't cope, I need it now!"

The other bat is amazed and says "Are you insane? It's almost dawn and we can't be exposed to daylight, you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know", says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it. I don't care."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with fresh blood dripping from his mouth.

"You are lucky thing! Where'd you find blood that quick?", asks the second bat incredulously.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbles the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I fucking didn't!"

8th Sept '66 The Severn Bridge from England to Wales opened. It remains the closest man has ever come to building a functioning time machine

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc

^just one of many Mick threw my way in an epic joke-orgy earlier

I do sincerely apologise for that sir, blame the porter. Damn that lovely tasty porter.

A man ask's his personal trainer at the gym what machine he should use so he can pull a really fit bird....

The trainer says; Try the cash point machine you fat cunt.

Is that a joke Pisti, or just a reminiscence?

..i'd have laughed if mccarthy had said it :|

Walked into a door at work today and gave myself a black eye.

Feel pretty stupid, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

My friend Dave drowned last week, we all got together and had a wreath made for him in the shape of a life Jacket;

It's what he would have wanted.

^ Oooooooof!!!

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon to watch the game?

......... Tenish.

Geographical puns are beneath me. There's Norway I'd go Oslo as that

How many evertonians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and blame Liverpool

The gents was out of order. Barman says to me, "Frank, why don't you use the ladies?" But they wouldn't keep still.

Have you heard about the new treatment doctors are prescribing depressed lesbians?

It's called Tryadicagain.

Sigh.

yep