Jokes / Joke du jour!

You've been on Sickapedia too then?

A friend of mine sent it to me, it means I don't have to wade through the all the crap on that site =P

For Micky;-)

There was a power failure for a few hours in Dulbin...

Rescue teams were called out to save people on the stalled esculators.

Reminds me of a similar joke:

Irelands worst plane disaster struck this morning when a two-seater aircraft crashed into a cemetery. Irish rescue workers have so far recovered 828 bodies. Digging continues thoughout the night.

from Lionel Blue
a chap is on London Bridge looking at the water below and thinking that hes had it, he cant take any more of life, he hasnt got a job, all hope has gone. hes about to throw himself in when he hears a voice behind him " i wouldnt do that if i were you"
he look round and sees and old woman dressed in rags, with everything she owns in one or two plastic bags, "what business is it of yours? " he says to her fiercely.
"Im a fairy" she says " a good fairy, give me a kiss and I can solve all your problems"
Thinking his problems are at an end, he embraces her passionately. When the clinch is over, she punches him in the stomach and says "how old are you mate?" "Fifty" he says. "Fifty" she laughs, "and you still believe in fairies"

Prince William to marry Kate Middleton?

That's a car crash waiting to happen...

boom! love it

The police phoned today to give me news on my kidnapped wife, they way to expect the worse. So i went down the charity shop to get her clothes back

What's the difference between Kate Middleton and Will Carling?

Kate only put one finger up Dianas ring

Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze in to Diana's ring since Dodi Al-fyhed

What have Audley Harrison and School kids got in common?

They both need picking up round 3

Why has everyone got it in for Audley Harrison?

Its not like he ever hurt anyone

Not really a joke per se, but I just got a hilarious book and found a few extracts from it online:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place...
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
Has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

            Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
When you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

ha ha. That book sounds like a brilliant christmas present.

Tiger Woods; no place for a picnic.

aaaaah that's made my fucking day that has

/easily amused

Bernard Matthews has just died, police suspect fowl play.

Bernard Matthews, best before 25/11/10.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To piss on Bernard Matthews' grave.

Check rip thread!

Hah! Two more:

Family members have been asked about funeral arrangements for Bernard Matthews.
"He's going to be kept in a freezer and cremated on Christmas Day. It's what he would have wanted."

25/11/2010: Millions of turkeys slaughtered to feed Americans, surviving birds plot revenge.
26/11/2010: In unrelated news, Bernard Matthews dies aged 80.

After Bernard Matthews' funeral there will be a buffet in the village hall, followed by another the next day..........and a curry on Tuesday

What's the difference between chopped liver and pea soup?

Anyone can chop liver but not many people can pee soup

A mate said to me recently he was having problems mixing up words when around women... Said he was at the airport and was being served by a buxom woman and he meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, but he got it wrong and asked for a picket to titsburg.

Anyway i said the same thing happens to me all the time. The other day I was at my girlfriends place and meant to say "pass the salt" but instead I said "You bitch, you've ruined my fucking life"

I love you , Balki.

And by this I mean, I want you to perform an oral sex on me and then cook me a tasty meal.

Dominos?

sausage fest?

When I was a kid, the older boys used to hold me down and cover me in cream (steady now) and put cherries on my head....

It's tough growing up in the gateau...

Dominos?

Whatever. make sure you call yourself a cab home...

A mate said to me recently he was having problems mixing up words when around women... Said he was at the airport and was being served by a buxom woman and he meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, but he got it wrong and asked for a picket to titsburg.

Anyway i said the same thing happens to me all the time. The other day I was at my girlfriends place and meant to say "pass the salt" but instead I said "You bitch, you've ruined my fucking life"

lolz!