Jokes / Joke du jour!

I don't know, but Ronnie Wood.

I'm sure Ronnie Wood but Walt Disney.

... his wife does though.

The condition of this thread reminded me of this:

When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

i'm going to give my girlfriend a flour to try and win her back

just remembered a great joke:-
northerner goes into a pub in london and orders a pint of bitter,
when the drink arrives without any froth on it he says
"wheres the head on that luv, up your arse? "

happy monday to you

....

... His wife does though.

huh?

I'm laughing. On the outside.

Quality.

Fuck I'm Schizo!

I met a girl as I was walking through the park last night,

There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet,

As I was shagging her I thought........

"these taser guns are well worth the money"

I've always been a massive Dusty Springfield fan, and had amassed around 100 records of hers! I had them all stored on a piece of wood fixed to the wall at home.

I've now sold all the records, but just don't know what to do with my shelf.

What do you get when you cross a ball with Emile Heskey?

A goal kick.

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

  ![](file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/jane/Local%20Settings/Application%20Data/IM/Runtime/Message/%7B0AE53A77-9C1F-4C40-B4A5-3FC8EAE176E9%7D/Show/ATT0000222.gif) 

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

All of these attributes made him.....

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Have you ever taken the shell off a snail?

You would think they'd go faster, but in fact they're more sluggish.

Dave arrives home from work one evening to find his wife stressing out in the kitchen. "I've invited my boss around for dinner with his new french girlfriend" she says, "I need you to go down to the market and get some snails for the starter".

So off goes Dave to the market and buys some snails, on the way back he bumps into Colin from work, "Fancy a pint Dave?" "Yeah but only a quick one, i've gotta get back to the house soon". So Dave goes in for a pint with Colin and as usual 1 turns to 10. Then Dave starts chatting up a girl at the bar, soon enough he's back at her flat.

He wakes up the next morning, gets dressed, grabs the snails and runs home as quick as he can, just as he gets to the doorstep he trips and the snails go everywhere. His wife opens the door, and screams "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" Dave looks down and shouts...

"Come on lads nearly there!"

Man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you
have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you
usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go
home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she
asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been
there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners
and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game
comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here
20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the
full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the
luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky?! I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Fuck me!" says the bingo caller. "He's won the raffle as well!!!"

i ate 12 yoghurts yesterday. i'm totally mullered!

;oP

So what's the joke?

The temperature in Motown is three degrees. Four, tops.

In Jackson, five, then...

What's the difference between Lily Allen and a MILF?

About 3 months...

...too soon?

You've been on Sickapedia too then?

For Micky;-)

There was a power failure for a few hours in Dulbin...

Rescue teams were called out to save people on the stalled esculators.