Jokes / Joke du jour!

POLICE STATEMENT: A man has been found dead in a river at 6am this morning. He was wearing an England shirt, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a blowup doll on the end of his cock and a dildo stuck up his arse. Police have removed the shirt to spare his family any embarassment.

What does an England fan do after they win the world cup?

Turn off the Playstation

Gary Delaney 'I never received any training as a litter collector, they told me to just pick it up as I went along....'

There are 10 types of people in the World......those who understand Binary and those who don't

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

brilliant!

There are 10 types of people in the World......those who understand Binary and those who don't

hahahahahaha

I can't believe I'm still having to scroll through that fucking thesis of a "joke" Rieley..

i read it all, took 23 minutes.

This works much better in person, but still:

What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?
BANANANA!!!

^had to do it out loud but well worth it! LOL

Police in Northumberland have said if they haven't caught the gunman by next Tuesday they'll be doubling the reward to £20k, making it a Raoulover!

we should all head up the re find the bloke and collect reward
take out MTB's bit of off roading

This won the recent Highlight Comedy Club 5K gag comp on Twitter - from @davidboyce1

"Why is Mr T against nuclear power?.........because he pities the fuel'

I liked these though

The Klingon word for vegetable spread is sak'tagh. I can't believe it's not b'tah. (@BrendanDodds)

I run a business selling miniature models of philosophers to existentialists. It's quite a Nietzsche market. (@nickhucks)

Just had a go on the cross trainer at the gym. Well, she wasn't cross beforehand. (@davebromage)

I always get sent brilliant emails from people, but never have any to send back. So here it is 'Hopefully'. The Hilarious Work Email database.....!!

"Probably enough here to offend everybody

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large
chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.. I
told him 'I wish I had your will power'

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the
instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry
about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and
I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!

• Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad
  reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
  juice?'

• Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

• Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

• Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

• Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

• A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her
  husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

• He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

• Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my
  pretty face or my sexy body?'

• Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

• An elderly couple is attending Mass.

• About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her
  husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

• He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'"

Awesome. Cheers!

Little johnny walks into the bathroom to find his mum in the bath. "What's that slit between your legs mum?" says johnny, "Don't worry johnny, that's just where daddy hit me with an axe." "Great shot," says johnny, "Right in the gash."

England world cup highlights.

Rights sold to a gay porn channel.

Something about 11 arseholes getting shafted.

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV programme about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me both
happy and sad at the same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest willy."

Genius.

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."

I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."

did you hear Greggs have been in the news recently?

someone found some meat in one of their pies

An oldie but a goodie:

What do you get if you cross the queen and prince Phillip?
Killed in a tunnel.

what do you call a girl with two cunts?

N-dubz

An oldie but a goodie:

What do you get if you cross the queen and prince Phillip?
Killed in a tunnel.

http://www.lfgss.com/post1409593-643.html

I heard Jimmy Carr say it. I wonder where he got it from

Ah bollocks.