Jokes / Joke du jour!

A coiffeur friend of mine 's favourite Christmas song is
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' we're walking in the hair '

No jokes from me today as I want you all to enjoy the day
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Hope everyone is doing well
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Peace and love

Merry Christmas Tim!

(and thank you.....)

Lol, best one yet.

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Happy Christmas @JAHtim bless up

Peace on earth brethren ✌️

This isn't a 'joke' but it is very funny ...
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/dec/26/frankie-boyle-big-quiz-of-2020-how-much-have-you-subconsciously-tried-to-suppress

Boris Johnson may be a marshmallow toasting on the funeral pyre of Britain, a post-apocalyptic snowman with the increasingly dishevelled air of something that’s been tied to the front grille of a bin lorry, a demented, sex-case vacuum cleaner bag; but there’s no denying he does possess some Churchillian qualities: racism and obesity.

Ok amnesty is over ....
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I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas
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It was lovely to see her face light up when she opened it

I wonder if our leaders’ go-to platitude, “We’re all in this together”, will ever ring true? Perhaps after the next wave of austerity, as it blares through speakers in the bunk-bedded dormitory of a derelict Sports Direct, rousing us at dawn so that we can harvest kelp in the shallows in exchange for the fibre waste collected from the juicers of gated communities, wearing nothing but underpants: ones we never seem to fully own, underpants where there always seems to be one more payment due to the Corporation.

We will dream of one day having our own igloo built from blocks cut from sewer-fat, maybe even moving to a better neighbourhood, just as soon as it’s hot enough to slide our house there. As we heave our bales on to the gangmaster’s counter, the ex-performers among us will kid ourselves it’s still showbiz, as we’re permitted to crack a joke, and if the gangmaster smiles he’ll throw us a treat. We opt for a classic: surely no one has ever not laughed at one where bagpipes are confused with an octopus wearing pyjamas? But just as we can almost taste sugar, a mangled tentacle drops from our kelp block into our open mouth and ruins the moment.

LOL.

I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy

A Buddhist friend of mine has been sacked at pizza express for being too generous with the toppings
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He kept making his customers one with everything

Excellent!

Stale crust on that one

Both solid.

The friends of JAHtim ...

*A couple of astronaut friends of mine
A friend of mine has been studying for some yachting exams
A friend of mine went to buy a new bed
A bed coverings sales person friend of mine
A scaffolder friend of mine
An angler friend of mine
A friend of mine has been convicted of drug dealing
A friend of mine who works in a spanner factory
Some amorous kayaking friends of mine 
A friend of mine has just proposed to a lady
An anemologist friend of mine
An ecclesiastical friend of mine
An Italian woodpecker friend of mine 
A fixed gear forum friend of mine
My friend Dora has expressed interest
Two special constable surgeon friends of mine
A friend of mine has just won a chip concealing competition
A fishmonger friend of mine
Another fishmonger friend of mine
A flat fish friend of mine
A seabird friend of mine
A friend of mine has just been found not guilty
A rather shy but alluring goldfish enthusiast friend of mine
A ghost friend of mine
A friend of mine has started a business selling glass coffins
A friend of mine has just been jailed for stealing calendars
A friend of mine who works at the turpentine factory
A friend of mine 's pit bull loves classical music
A friend of mine has been admitted to hospital 
I'm meeting a bus driver and amateur jockey friend of mine
I'm meeting a pickling enthusiast friend
I'm meeting a rigid airship enthusiast friend of mine 
I'm meeting a friend of mine who suffers from anxiety and depression 
I'm meeting a right wing radio host 
I'm meeting an osteopath friend of mine
I'm meeting a meteorologist friend of mine
A gnome friend of mine 
A friend of mine who works on the dodgems
A union leader friend of mine 
A legal friend of mine
A cake making friend of mine
An escaped convict friend of mine
A friend of mine was mugged
A friend of mine has just met the person who invented crosswords
A friend of mine has met a feminist prostitute
Two television aerial installer friends of mine
A friend of mine has just been done for stealing advent calendars
An orthodontist friend of mine
A colander sales person friend
Two manicurist friends of mine 
A seamstress friend of mine
A friend of mine has just been made redundant at mensa
A glue manufacturer friend of mine
A Buddhist friend of mine
A coiffeur friend of mine
A Colombian former guerilla friend of mine
A hoover sales person friend of mine 
A friend of mine who lacks prudence and foresight
A dermatologist friend of mine 
A cabinet maker friend of mine
A cheese maker friend of mine 
A cannabis enthusiast friend of mine
A former classical musician friend of mine
A friend of mine who works for southern rail
A vampire friend of mine*

Even better when it's told to the Dalai Lama himself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJhKVICLi9s

Works for Milton Jones with 'my other grandfather'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEUfbSrpsHk

I'm not surprised JAHtim has so many friends. He's a lovely guy.

I went to a kleptomaniacs conference yesterday
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There was plenty to take away

I'm so chuffed as I've only taken an afternoon to do a jigsaw
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The label on the box said 3 to 5 years

A friend of mine was robbed last night by a jigsaw wielding thug
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The police are trying to piece it all together

A hipster nearly drowned yesterday after losing their footing and falling into the mainstream

Pharaoh: I'd like to order a takeaway curry please

Restaurant waiter: Absolutely. Can I get your name please.

Pharoah: "Nefernaferuaten II '

Restaurant waiter : ...can you spell that out for me?

Pharaoh: yes of course it's Bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, more bird, flames..."

A friend of mine has just been admitted to hospital after accidentally swallowing several toy plastic horses
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Doctors have described his condition as stable