Jokes / Joke du jour!

I've just been thrown out of New Zealand B&Q.

Someone came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, I didn't even have time to my trousers over my shoes and people were complaining.

what

oh dicking

I just got thrown out of West Norwood BnQ

I was wandering about with my cock out punching people

fair enough really

You know, fuck it - 12 years on here and Jahtim's the first person I've had to put on ignore.

They're not that bad. Well not all of them.

I was in a real ale pub with a kiwi friend. There was a brilliant circular conversation between her and the barman, she was asking “which one is better?” he kept replying “they all are!” The problem was he was hearing “which one is bitter?”

#Truestorybro

#decades

I bought some marijuana over the phone last night
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Really easy you just press the hash key

Not much of a real ale pub if they only had bitters

Two television aerial installer friends of mine have just got married
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The ceremony was alright but the reception was excellent

I've got so much rhythm even my shoes got soul.

Yorkshireman: What do you do for a living?
Exotic Dancer: Twerk
Yorkshireman: Yes, but what kind?

For Sale

George Foreman grill set

Mohamed Ali DVDs

Both boxed

You know, fuck it - 12 years on here and Jahtim's the first person I've had to put on ignore.

😂

What do you get when you sit under a cow?
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A pat on the head

A friend of mine has met a feminist prostitute

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Who insists on paying half

Right, off to bed with you. It's pasture bedtime.

Scuse me mate, do you know you’ve jelly and custard in one ear and blancmange and sprinkles in the other?

Sorry mate, you’ll have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf.

How dairy. Especially with so much at steak. Never herd such childish yokes. How cud he stoop so low. I heiffer memory of this from age 4! I remember laughing, I remember how it field.

A friend of mine has just met the person who invented crosswords
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Now then what was his name ..... d something v something ......

Can someone link me to the jokes thread please?

A vampire friend of mine has rearranged all their furniture and their health and happiness has improved
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Apparently it's all down to fang shui

I was out rowing earlier and kept seeing pieces of meat float by
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I was in choppy waters

I got asked in the street if I wanted to buy some dance music records
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They wouldn't techno for an answer