Jokes / Joke du jour!

Glass coffins - will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

Talking of funerals, the guy who invented the USB died last week.

They put him in his coffin, then took him out and turned him over, then took him out again and put him in the same way as they did first time.

Must have been a week for it as the guy who devised predictive text also died. His funfair is next Monkey.

Are these home made by any chance?

I thought they're from https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/

went to the annual british soprano awards at the albert hall this week, can't speak highly enough about it

can't sing it's praises highly enough ? that might work better

Castrato probably works better

Just got myself a Blur alarm clock, so I can wake up to Park Life every morning.
Except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.

Oi!

A personal trainer just got 9 years for selling drugs. been goin to him for years. just shows that you never really know someone. had no idea he was a personal trainer.

The next time you see a French person you should walk up to them and say "Le Monde." It would mean the world to them.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Three crackers!

Excellent!

Bloke passed me on his bicycle today. Got so close he nearly took the hairs off my legs. Next thing he's calling me every name under the sun and threatening me with violence. Then he speeds off up the road. Caught up with him eventually. His bike was half on a double yellow and half on a bike lane and he was being bundled into an ambulance by two white clad medics. Turns out he's got car owner virus.

Thought I was in the commute thread for a minute.

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

Good stuff.

I was telling my friend I hate backgammon. And draughts.
He said "Hate chess too?"
I said, "Don't even get me started on that high-speed rail project."

Did a lil

I often mix up the words Yakuza and jacuzzi. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Ha! That’s weird - I saw that yesterday (Instagram maybe?) and was going to post it here but forgot

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks, I'll never part with it.

It’s easy to prevent women from eating ariel pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

I have just been diagnosed with a fear of giants

Feefiphobia