Jokes / Joke du jour!

Thanks dad for the explanation.

Though my understanding is the reception is the party whereas service and ceremony are synonymous for the legal/religious marriage part.

I had to return some vinegar to the supermarket the other day. “What’s wrong with it?” said the assistant? It’s got lumps in it, I said.
“Sir, they’re pickled onions”.

Good point, well presented.

Hence the Viz Profanisaurus describing a sexually-aroused woman as being “wetter than Rod Hull’s roof”

Your assertion is correct, but does not address the issue presented.

Best this year.

Tired to get in touch with my Uncle Ernie after he Passed to The Other Side. We sat round a table and asked if Ernie could give us a sign and heard:

"Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk"

Turned out it was bee gee board.

My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I've added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's Sangria than ever....

I remember my first time at a seance. We put our hands on the board, and the letters spelled out:

H-E-Y-M-A-R-I-O-I-T-S-A-M-E

Turns out it was a Luigi board

good grief

I remember my first time at a seance. We put our hands on the board, and the letters spelled out:

S-Q-U-A-R-E-S-A-U-S-A-G-E

Turns out it was a Weegie board etc.

How do you make a Ouija board?

Take his Buckfast off him.

Some great material here. I wanted to be a comedian when I left school and did a stand up gig at an old people's home.

They didn't understand any of my jokes but they all pissed themselves anyway

I did a gig for Scope. They loved me. In their review they gave me 4 hnnnggggs.

Jim Jeffries.

Warrior: I shall not rest until I have avenged the death of my brother!
Dwarf: You have my axe!
Elf: And my bow!
Necromancer: And your brother.

Developer accused of unreadable code refuses to comment

My Son: Dad! I won the Leslie Nielsen award at School!

Me: Wow! What's that?

My Son: A big building full of kids.

But surely Danny deserves it more than you?

He doesn't, and don't call me Shirley.

So I said to my dentist, "Do you have something that will make my teeth whiter?"

He said, "Try polish."

I said, "Masz coś, co sprawi, że moje zęby będą bielsze?"

My niche! Love it! @mmccarthy

My mate's new girlfriend told him she's got his face as her wallpaper, which he thought was cute until he saw her lounge.

I went on a fascinating tour of a fish finger factory yesterday
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We went to the top of the building to have a Birds Eye view

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

Close but no cigar.

I'm being forced to smoke by my French mate, Pierre Pressure.

oof