Jokes / Joke du jour!

Sad, sad people letting off fireworks in the middle of October. One frightened the dog so much she ran and hid under the Christmas tree knocking over my Easter eggs!

Frank Carson gag

I come from a very musical family
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Even the sewing machine is a Singer
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Now that's a cracker peace and love

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Carson

It's the way I tell ' em

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what frightened him more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

Stolen

Anyway, it's that time of year again.

Hm?

The k/nights are drawing in

From the great Barry Cryer;

I was playing a gig many years back, somewhere up north, and I was dying on my arse. Eventually I said something funny and there was a slow handclap from the back of the room. Sarcastically I said "thank you for the applause, sir", and back out of the darkness came a voice - "I was banging the sauce bottle".

Why are men bad at parallel parking?
Because they confuse 1 inch with 8 inches.

haha

Was that AI generated or something?

Sometimes I use big words I don't really understand in an effort to seem more photosynthesis.

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Cyclops: I know you're cheating on me. Who are you fucking??

Wife: Nobody!!

Cyclops: narrows eye

That’s full nerd

My latest business venture , exchanging artic sea birds for german sausages is struggling...
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Yes it's taken a tern for the wurst

Job interview:

Interviewer: So God killed all your kids?

Job: Yeah

I look back on my time as a deer masseur and every so often regret giving it up for the world of corporate IT.
I used to feel, like, a million bucks...

Guys, I've just remembered the name of the ropes on tents.

Nice

A termite just came up to me in the pub and asked: “Where is the bar tender?”

stolen!

Which spice girl can hold the most petrol? ⛽️

Geri can!

👍