Jokes / Joke du jour!

Yeah, it can't hurt.

I've just washed the shower curtain and hung it on the line to dry. This is not a joke.

Not the Nine O'clock news flashback
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY

Went to the shop to get my Gandalf costume for fancy dress party.

Shop worker was very unhelpful, couldn’t get me a magic stick.

Can’t get the staff these days.

Have you noticed how a lot of Formula 1 drivers are named after Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Lewis Hamilton
Ayr Town Centre

Haha

Love it

good work dude

What do they do when a chemist dies?

They Barium

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half horse, half human doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

You forgot Johnny Dumfries.

My girlfriend said she was tired of my penchant for pretending to be a TV detective, and that we should split up.

I said 'Good idea, we can cover more ground that way....'

Tonight my 6-year old came up with "how do ghosts listen to music?"
"spookify"

hahaha

I can tell you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

For all of you who are here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue...

Ha!

I went into my local pet shop and bought a dozen bees. When I had a look in the box I counted 13 of them. I pointed it out to they guy, and he said, “yeah, that one’s a freebie”.

^ marvellous!

Love the Nandos joke. So did this lot. It kicked off a very interesting conversation amongst the mums. Not about chicken.

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Did you hear about the peanut that was mugged?

It was assaulted.

I've been prescribed these very strong drugs and since I've started taking them I have lost my interest in bird spotting...
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I am quite literally off my tits

Employee - "Boss, I can't make it into work today, I'm too sick"

Boss - "How Sick are you?"

Employee - "Well..... I'm in bed with my sister"

Dad joke of the week.

Dad: What is wide at the bottom, narrow at the top and has ears?
Bored Child: Dunno..
Dad: A mountain.
Child: But mountains don't have ears!
Dad: Yes they do, mountaineers!