Jokes / Joke du jour!

Nelson was 5'4" and the statue is 18'1".

So the joke only works if we remove his two feet?

3.4:1 doesn’t have the same impact as a punchline though.

3.02:1 is even weirderer

That's 3 in engineer-speak, thank you very much!

I mean, so is 3.4, it could be argued...

As long as that Bordeaux Collie from the last page doesn't get involved, it would've rounded up.

Ha.

There is a special place in He'll for autocorrect.

It’s a pain in the aunt

Erik Olsen, who invented Nokia Autocorrect, died last week. His funfair will be hello on sundial.

"I'm teaching some ants to talk"
"Are they mutants?"
"No Gary, pay attention - they can TALK!”

His gravestone reads “I told you I was I’ll”

So Gary Barlow has decided to block me on Twitter...

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it...

Just had old bill at my front door.
They said, “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I said, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I said, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”

They said, “No, these are just initial enquiries.”

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: hands CV over Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Ha ha. Very good. Did you make that up?

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

A friend of mine has been studying for some yachting exams
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He is hoping to pass
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His tutor has hinted he is likely to be graded in the HighC's

Any one armed jokes? I'm currently in a cast. Load em up so I can make my gf cringe!

The daddier the better

Not a joke but a real-life encounter with a client, an engineering manager who had a prosthetic right arm. When I asked him if he still gets involved in the technical side of things, he said with a straight face, "I like to keep my hand in." I held it together pretty well, I think.

I'd give my right arm to tell you a joke but I can't even think of a pun.

I do, just not at hand

Sorry, I'll try and think of something more humerus