Jokes / Joke du jour!

Much chuckle.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There's a type of polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don't believe you.
-Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret.

👏
Did enjoy

This has gone down well with some of my social media friends today. Someone's even retorted with a "custardy" pun.

Something like this? https://youtu.be/nHuR5eslKhQ?t=145

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

#rep

A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral when her friend sitting next to her asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go ahead” the woman replies.

The neighbour stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.

“Thank you” the woman says. “That means a lot”.

Pinched but new to me....

1 Attachment

I had unprotected sex with a trucker recently.
Just went to the doctor's for a checkup.
Tests came back, I've got HGV.

Not a joke...real....

I led a small group of young cyclists along a towpath yesterday n day 4 of a Bikeability course. I encouraged them to chat, to enjoy the open space, no traffic, the quiet, fresh air. We passed canal boat homes. As we pedalled I asked what would be the challenge of living on a canal boat. Instant answer? No Internet.

Oh dear.

So I asked what's your favourite pudding? 'Ice cream' came the answer. But what flavour? Macdonalds they said.

They laughed as much as I did. They know their world appears mad to oldies like me. Or maybe they were teasing me? Or even Maltesing me? 😀

you have not heard the end of thi

MackieD does a Malteser Icecream.

So many levels...

Anyway. Just kick the mouthy ones into the canal and say its 'training' for future life.

You can lead a horse to water, but that is just not a skill worth claiming on LinkedIn, is it?

Unless perhaps you are a ranch hand or stable boy..

stolen from the Perpetual Disappointments Diary.. which has 5 stars btw..

"You can lead a horse to water,but a pencil must be lead."

~Stan Laural~

My dentist asked how long I spend cleaning between my teeth each day.
I never do, but said an hour because I wanted to make up flossed time.

ooof

best

Yesterday I spent six hours finishing a belt made out of watches. A complete waist of time

Yesterday I went into WH Smiths and asked if they would sell me a hundred bottles of Tippex. Huge mistake.

Bought my mate an elephant for her room.

"Cheers mate!"

She said.

"Don't mention it" I said.

‘Actions speak louder than you can handle right now’..

remark from my girlfriend.. ooof

Popped into the builders merchants and ordered 12000 bricks. "Wocha building?"asked the salesman.
"A barbeque" I said proudly. "Geez, you wont need 12000 bricks!" he said. "Yeah I will, I live on the 5th floor"

Orion's belt. There's a giant waist of space.