Jokes / Joke du jour!

I picked up a hitch hiker the other day
seemed a nice enough guy, after a few miles he asked if I was worried that he might be a serial killer
I said it was extremely unlikely there would be 2 serial killers in a car at the same time

I went for a prostate exam today. It took bloomin' ages, I had to tell the doctor to pull their finger out.

When I had mine done I asked the doctor if it was true the procedure could be sexually arousing. She said "You're not bad looking but I'm a professional".

Saw this on LinkedIn, made me laugh out loud..

https://youtu.be/We4w9KvS6Y8

I had a decorator in to stain the woodwork. He made a horrible mess of it. I told him to never darken my door again.

Ha! Very good

While I was talking with Siri I said “Surely you can look this up”

Siri replied “Don’t call me Shirley”

Then I realized I had airplane mode on

I was looking for some tips to make my Brian, my racing snail, a bit faster. I read that a good way was to take his shell off, but it just seemed to make him more sluggish.

I went to look at a house with period features the other day....

She hates it when I call her that.

Heh.

That really split my WhatsApp jokes group :-)

You're at the airport waiting to collect your bags, and everyone has nicer luggage than you.
That's a worst case scenario.

I aim to please.....

I like this...

1 Attachment

So, very, good.
Took me a while to get it though.

If pronouncing my Bs as Vs makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Needs scouse accent

I was in the garden the other day. My neighbor poked their head over the fence and said "hey, I'm drilling a big hole to see if I can find fresh water. You wanna come and look"?

I replied "Nah, not today, that sounds like its well boring"...

I just paid £500 to hire a limo for a weekend.
Turns out it doesn't come with a driver!
That's £500 I've spent and nothing to chauffeur it.

My mate keeps nicking Tolkien books from Waterstones.

He’s a Hobbitual criminal !

I’ve just bought a taxidermy rodent. Unfortunately it doesn’t come with a display stand.

That’s £500 and I have nothing to show ferret.

rodent

Mustelid

Stop badgering the poor guy

Come on, be weasonabel

You try to beaver best you can but someone on here will always gopher you.