Your best responses during a road rage

Life is cruel. 4evarip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlkzndraxV0

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/22/why-a-viral-video-of-a-cyclists-revenge-on-catcallers-may-not-be-all-it-seems

Got some joshing from three builders in a clapped out beemer last summer. Driver said something that I couldn't make out which his two mates thought was hilarious. I ignored and went on. Stopped at next lights, he pulls up alongside and says something else - without thinking, I turned around and just said that if he really wanted my number he'd have to ask nicely. Cue two mates roaring with laughter - thought I was for it but he just said 'good one' and we parted ways. Maybe he did want my number.

Anyway - he could just as easily taken offence and run me over - which is what they do in Penge - so I wont be doing that again.

Just smile and wave people, smile and wave.

I finally had chance to do the wink and blow a kiss to a bad boy lad in a slammed beemer the other day. He leant on his horn and looked raging as I rode off past traffic with a flirty wave.
Gotta love annoying homophobes

I called a pedestrian I nearly hit after they stepped into the road without looking a "stupid fucking piece of shit cunt" the other night. In hindsight it was probably a bit much but at the time I was very cross.

The best one I know, as it has a metaphorical slant as well as practical, best said in your finest mockney, is

'AVE A LOOK!'

I first heard it when I drifted out in front of a cabbie in Soho, I had seen him but made it look like I didn't give a fuck - he was right I had ridden like a dick, although he made a point of accelerating when he coulda just eased off a bit.

When people do that thing where they're avoiding eye contact and stepping out in front of you, you really know it. 'Ave a LOOK!' covers it beautifully. It's mild but sort of shaming.

Going back 4 years and 10 pages "Does your sister know you've borrowed her car?"

Inferring that the car a man is driving was in fact designed to be driven by a woman elicites a smouldering rage that turns into pure white hot fury from any man I've said it to. You can almost see the question sinking in, especially if you break whatever the previous exchange is to ask in a calm but genuinely inquiring way (works especially well if the car is new/expensive). It uses their own gender prejudices against their own various insecurities which not only makes it effective but also even more funny. It's hilarious to imagine them thinking about it all the way home, the fact that they may go on to question it at various points for the remainder of the time they drive that car is a potential (but perhaps unlikely) bonus. Should be used with some caution/escape route/willingness to get handy as the reactions can be extreme.

However the best exchange I had after a pointless close pass when I was going 45KM/h once I caught the prick at the lights I called him a cunt (in French) He got out of the car and marched towards telling me I should be polite (The French, in my experience value politeness above unnecessarily risking other peoples lives) & giving all of the reasons he thought it was acceptable to pass me how he did (I was going too slow, I was in the middle of the road then bizarrely that I was going too fast), at this point not only did he realize that he'd ran out of arguments & that car's were beeping because his empty car was blocking the lane but also that I guess he hadn't planned to get out of his car during that journey because he was wearing a vest and what looked like some pink silky pants (he was a short, fattish guy in his 50's), all of this I ignored/didn't notice until he turned to go & all I said was 'nice panties' and saw him visibly shrink as he walked the remaining 10 or so steps back to his car with a queue of car passengers watching. Most satisfying exchange ever.

Used a few times, maybe a bit strong. But hey.

Slightly irritated cyclist: Do you have thrush?
Confused irritated driver: No
Slightly irritated cyclist: So why are you being an irritating cunt
Confused irritated driver: Possible anger, confusion, usually zero comeback unless they are clever

Or just plain sassy with them.

Probably covered before, but I had a nice exchange with a knob in a single-occupant car last week:
“You should be using the bike lane”
“You should be using the bus”

Excellent.

Car driver pulled up to me recently, wound window down to tell me I was breaking the speed limit by 3 MPH to then properly overtake and rev engine on way through. I can tell you, that showed me.

But blowing kisses for lyf

To Chelsea tractor driver. "You can't drive, I'd seriously consider a smaller car"

lol. white hot fury...

A bloke walking on an unlit cycle path in Harlow got a bit dazzled by my front light. Normally, I'd cover it with my hand, but I didn't see him in time due to the darkness.
He became instantly aggressive (it was harlow after all) and before I could apologise, he shouted
'Your fucking lights are too bright'
To which I replied
'Well, if you can see me, all the other cunts can as well'

I was happy with that one.

Your best responses during a road rage ( aka 'in your head you did that' )

Sorry I forgot my fucking dimmer switch this morning.

Hhhhhhhahhahahahahha what a cute thread.

L

Club run and bloke slams on in front of ten of us causing a big crash . Mate is livid walks to driver smirking and lamps him . Cue police and him bleeting he was assulted for no reason . Just before christmas we are in court to witness what happened and learn he had 19 previous offences . Drugs fighting motoring shnizz . Anyway the fucker didnt turn up and the case dropped .

The only time I ever thought of something to say on the spot:

Car pulls out from side road, stops in middle of road causing me to have to stop too.

I gesticulate.

Driver rolls down window, says “I’ll remember your face”

I chuckle and retort “I’ll remember yours too because it’s so fucking ugly”

He is stumped.

I ride off.

He doesn’t follow me with a gun.

I was on a club run a while back and something similar happened. Driver got really aggressive with one of the riders, but one of the other guys sidled up to the car and took the keys out and rode off. We all quietly rode away, and the guy taking all the shit realised too and just got on his bike, rode off ignoring the driver. This made the driver go nuts, and he ran to his car. By which time we were gone.
Still makes me giggle even now, and I bet that made the driver super friendly towards cyclists afterwards.

what did they do with the keys?!

I do try not to be outwardly aggressive whilst on the roads, everybody makes mistakes and I usually apologise if I do something significantly dim.

If it's just general idiocy though, I sometimes like to get ahead of the whopper in question and finger gun my brains out:

However, I've definitely lost my temper with a few motorists acting like moist fartboxes and purposefully putting mine or others lives at risk.

Years ago I was coming Eastbound down Picadilly in usual heavy traffic. A pedestrian was standing in the middle of the road, not on an island, dithering. As I passed him he shouted at me for being too close or something. I stopped and remonstrated that he was standing in the road and probably shouldn't be.

He told me that "You cyclists are all the same." I returned with the point that he was generalising and pointed out "not all daft cunts in tweed suits are the same."

He missed the point and got pretty angry about being called a daft cunt. The daft cunt.

Have a heart. Those Marshalls don't get paid, you know...