Jokes / Joke du jour!

Doesn't make grammatical sense.

That's Scouse for ya.

scouser.....grammatical sense

.......

too late

There's a right ding-dong going on at the Palace of Westminster today..

Bell end......

@MetalMelly
Why are you chiming in??

these puns are really resonating with me today

some of these puns are not very appealing

Passes the time though

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the pavement below. Two guys were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the pavement below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

Clap(per)s in appreciation...

First scouse keyboard, circa 1980s

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Second scouse keyboard circa brookside
Day do do dat doe, don't day doe??

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I was in the supermarket earlier. There was a bloke kicking off and throwing milk and cheese at the other customers.

I thought how dare he.

A bit long, but I couldn't find a shorter version and I'm not typing it out on my phone... One of my favorites. A perfect joke.

There was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, Charlie discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill. Their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla. So, he tried on the suit for size and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla. He felt like one too. He loved it. They led him to the cage. He took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep.

But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree.

That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts.

"Wow! This is great," he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door.

He panicked. There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! HELP!"

The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, "Shut the fuck up or you'll get us both fired."

Burned my Hawaian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

I took the shells off my racing snails to make them lighter and faster. My plan backfired; it just made them sluggish.

My wife keeps telling me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

Do like.

Apparently you can get a pork pie in Haiti for £3.50, but if you go to Barbados, the exact same pie only costs £1.50.
That's just the pie rates of the Caribbean for you!

LMAO!

Learned about Futurism in history of art class last week.

I heard that joke a little while back but apparently it needs revising as Barbados is a much richer country than Haiti.

/buzzkill

Doesn't take much to out-rich Haiti.

Here's an old favourite of mine:

Bill goes to live in a small house in the country to get a break from his hectic city life. Blissful solitude at first but as the days go by without human contact, he's starting to get pretty restless. One day, just as he's thinking it's time to go home again, he sees a car coming up the dirt road leading up to the house. A man steps out and says he's the closest neighbour three miles away and it's time Bill got a proper welcome to the area. "I'm throwing a party on Saturday and I'd be delighted if you'd like to come!" The man is so pleasant that Bill relaxes and decides to accept the invitation. "I've got to warn you though", says the visitor, "Things can get a bit crazy in these parts. There's gonna be a lot of drinking and swearing. Singing too and probably fighting, and a lot of sex in the upstairs bedrooms". "That sounds like my kind of party!", says Bill. "I've been shut up by myself for ages so it'll be fun. Is there a dress code? What should I wear?"
"Doesn't matter", says the stranger. "It's just gonna be you and me."