Jokes / Joke du jour!

Trump was discussing his plan to build a wall across the border when he said: 'We have some bad homebase here, and we're gonna get them out.'

What's the definition of endless love?

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Never go out with a tennis player, love means nothing to them.

What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette.

Sean Connery's agent calls him up, tells him he has an audition for the next day, around 10-ish.

Sean replies, 10-ish? I don't even have a racquet...

Sean and I were good friends for a while, he invited me around for dinner one night. It was all going well until he told me to go sit in the corner...

Back to tennis.

Recently, I was at a funeral of a friend of mine. He was killed instantly by a tennis ball to the head.

It was a lovely service.

I was at another funeral recently, a friend of mine was crushed by a piano.

It was very low key.

B flat.

When my grandad got ill they took him to hospital and put aot of grease on his back. He went downhill very quickly after that

Apparently six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.

My dad loved apple pie. He was buried covered in custard. It's how he would have wanted it.

My dad was an Army engineer who specialised in clearing minefields. He always wanted me to follow in his footsteps.

From my window all I can see is fish fingers. I’ve got a Birds Eye view.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this "Identity theft."

If anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door's always open.

Please make it stop.

Please don't. These are great.

Just google Tim Vine then.

A Spanish actor started a fight in my pub the other day

Javier Bardem?

No, just gave him a warning...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

“I was born into servitude, and when I die, my feet will be turned into glue,” replied the horse.

The bartender realized he would not be getting a tip.

A man hears a voice in the bar saying how nice his shoes are but can see no-one but the barman.
Minutes later the voice says how his tie tastefully matches his shirt but still, no-one to attribute the voice to. He approaches the barman and explains his puzzlement.

'Ah' says the barman. 'That'll be the complimentary nuts.'

My uncle died recently after drinking a can of furniture polish. Terrible way to go, lovely finish though.

Then there was the guy in the hospital they tried a radical procedure on, covering him in butter to try and save him. He slipped away in the night.

He then hears another voice shouting how his shoes are horrible his dress sense are and that his shoes are falling apart.

The barman says "Sorry mate, the poker machine is out of order".