Jokes / Joke du jour!

What do you get if you cross a joke with a retorical question?

knock knock

is somebody at my door?

/singlehandedly

Strong strong page. Golf caps all round.

Restaurant -

Waiter : Your Coffee

Me : Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter : Certainly

*Delicately embraces me from behind*

Me : Lovely

The 'ueue' in queue aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn.

#dadjoke

The Gynaecologist who decided to become an interior designer and decorated his flat through his letterbox.

that wouldn't be a knock, more of light tap.

Did we get an answer to that last time?

https://www.lfgss.com/comments/13068967/

I said: "Dr, I think I'm addicted to Twitter" She said "Sorry, I don't follow you".

"Theresa May dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years ....... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Theresa!"
"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things
other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.... She’s horrified to see all her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar...drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

A story for the ages. Stolen.

Ha! That's really good.
This really made me laugh:

Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.

..

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hahaha!

How do you know how much a chilli pepper weighs?

Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh now

A woman walks in to the bathroom to find her husband standing on the scales sucking his belly in.

"You moron, it doesn't work like that"

"Aye, but I can see the numbers this way".

Whilst many are familiar with Sir Francis Beaufort and his study of wind strength, less well-known is his work on superfoods, culminating in a relative of cabbage known as Beaufort's Kale.

He also developed a walking stick to help the disabled and infirm get around more quickly - the Hurry Cane.

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.

What's the shortest birthday you can have?

22.

Twenty-second birthday.

GET IT?

wouldn't it be your second birthday?

Oh you! Singlehandedly ruining jokes since forever.

*improving

It i wanted to ruin it I'd say your actual birth day will be the shortest cos it only lasts from when you're born to midnight, all others that follow are all midnight -> midnight unless you die at like 12:01 on your birthday or something.

Ruin all the things!