Jokes / Joke du jour!

What do you call a racing driver who circles round lightbulbs?
Stirling Moth.

Schtolen etc

How to explain sectarianism. Before the 1600's there were only the Irish in Ireland, we had no one to be racist to. So for the last 400 years we just split into two teams and practised.

What's the difference between USB and USA?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data. The other is a hardware standard.

^
http://youtu.be/abE1vThQMyI

nice

A woman was robbed of a very personal item of jewellery in Hyde Park today, a gang of young swans was seen fleeing the scene. Police are saying it may have been a signet ring.

I tried to explain quantum entanglement to a pair of Siamese twin tropical birds, but they were toucan fused.

I bought my friend an elephant to keep in his room.
"thank you" he said
"don't mention it" I said

I'm giving up sexual innuendo for Lent.

It's so hard.

Both excellent. Full marks.

My fav innuendo joke is still...

There's an innuendo competition happening next week.
I'm thinking of entering my dad.

^ yeah brilliant that one

Ha, I liked

I'm giving up innuendo for lent, it's so fucking hard though...

Someone at work just asked me for an innuendo, so I gave them one.

Current favourite, many thanks :-)

I do love a good toe-curling pun!

Such Outrage at penis shaped sausages..
A bit hard to swallow

Doctor, I've got spots like raisins on a cake.

Ah, you must have analogy.

I told ten puns yesterday, in the hope that at least one might make someone laugh. No pun in ten did.

Are these 'homemade?' :oP

Did you hear about the microchip company? They did so well they moved to a smaller warehouse.

A van load of terrapins collided with a lorry containing tortoises

It was a turtle disaster....

Is this a pun on the downsizing of tech?

Bonnie Tyler was inspired to write one of her best songs when her partner knocked her terrapin of the mantelpiece.

It was a turtle he clipped off the hearth...

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!".

I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."