Jokes / Joke du jour!

I was arrested for murdering a bloke with some sandpaper. I only meant to rough him up a bit.

shite (Top 10)

What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay to have a lentil on my face.

Mucho

Q: What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

A: # Hand-eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy. #

lol. REP

One Edinburgh Festival one I read, comedian comes on stage and says:

"Good evening. My name's Fin, which makes it difficult for me to sign off emails without sounding pretentious".

What do you call the Equalizer without any D's?

Enzel Washington
#notthesameanymore

I bought 300 bottles of tippex this morning. It was a big mistake.

I bought 300 bottles of tippex this morning. It was a big mistake.

Absolutely stolen for FB taking full credit for it.

Ha.

Absolutely stolen for FB taking full credit for it.

Has FB got joke generating software?
Someone, perhaps adroit, must have started it?

LFGSS is @craftybutcher's joke generating tool. everything he posts on FB or twitter comes from here. the cad.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

And you are LFGSS's joke.

But yes I do, I feed them with e-jokes from each other thus perpetuating the cycle of comedy.

"Have you read Marx?"
"Yes, it's the narrow saddle"

Rene´ Vietto

#oldbutgood

I just came across this thread for the first time. That whitney Houston joke is superb I am stealing it.

My favourite at the moment, hope it isn't a re:

I had unprotected sex in an Orchard the other day... I came in cider.

Meh.

Not sure if buggered apple. Quite hard.

in memory of joan rivers

........ at jewish funeral
after the funeral the rabbi is pressing the flesh outside the mosque door

rabbi : oi vey she's in a better place now, allah be upon her
mourner : are you kidding me, she had a place on the hamptons

joan told it better i'm sure

Rabbi ... mosque ... oi vey ... allah

Do you even religion?

Appaently not...

Joan Rivers was mean.
And often a racist.

She was.

Her comments /Jokes about Obama and his wife probably didn't go down too well in the Whitehouse,i'd imagine.