Jokes / Joke du jour!

as my girlfriend sat on the toilet last night, I walked up to her, dropped my trousers and tried slipping my cock in her mouth.

She immediately pulled away and said, "dave, can I please have a poo?"

"of course you can" I replied, turning around and pressing my bum hole to her lips.

very uncouth.

Haha disgusting.

Stolen from my mum's facebook:

I had to go on a course last Wed, I was asked what I thought my biggest weakness was?

I said "Honesty"

She said she didn't think honesty was a weakness

I said " I don't give a shit what you think"

Science can be fun.

This evening I learnt why condensation forms on the insides of windows.

It was a gas.

Nvm

Breaking News: Ukrainian pigeon surrounded by Russian troops. Putin says 'These actions were the result of an unconstitutional coo'.

I had a sneaky piss at the deep end of the swimming pool today.

Unfortunately the lifeguard saw me. He blew his whistle so hard that I nearly fell in.

Gross.

Just gross.

Oops, I got confused and thought this was the "I Confess" thread.

On your way.

gross repost
https://www.lfgss.com/post2827359-2194.html

Since RMT Union Leader, Bob Crow has died,

his family have asked for no questions from the press at this sad time, plus two additional days off at christmas

http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand

i think i understood all bar no. 12

is that a binary joke or latin possibly ?

Base 8/base10.

repost

i think i understood all bar no. 12

is that a binary joke or latin possibly ?

Kind of binary, binary is base 2, oct is base 8, dec base 10 (or normal counting)...

I think it's been writen by someone using the American definition of intellectual.

phew

The play on words lies in the similarity of the abbreviation for October/Octal and December/Decimal, and the coincidence that the two representations equal the same amount ().

(from wikipedia)

Haha, great minds think alike..

beaten to it

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with
everything”.

He hands over a $20 bill, receives the hotdog and asks for his change.
The hotdog seller replies, "Change comes from within."

#repost

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1s7yjq/without_saying_the_actual_joke_whats_the/

mega spoiler alert but that's the point

Once again, an alcoholic stumbles home to his wife. Pissed as a fart he is.
This is once too many and his wife gives him an ultimatum.
"If you come home pissed again this month" she says, "I'm going to leave you"

So our drinker goes about his life, stays sober for a few days but as you would imagine he soon ends up back in the pub 'just for a quick one;.
A quick one turns to 3, which turns to 6, which turns to 8 which leads to whiskey and before you know it our drinker is slumped at the bar with sick all down his front.
In a moment of clarity he realises the gravity of the situation and quickly sobers up.
The barman, having seen this situation before steps in.
"here we go", says the barman slipping a twenty in our drinkers top pocket, "Get your self home.Tell the wife that some lad on the tube puked on your shirt, and show her this twenty that he gave you to get it dry cleaned"
Genius, he thinks.

So he wanders home, and into the arms of a suspicious wife.
"it's ok, I can explain..." and he goes on to spin the yarn of the poorly man on the tube puking on him, and offering up a score by way of apology and to cover the cost of dry cleaning.
"Look, in my top pocket there...a twenty" he exclaims.

His wife wanders over to the sick stained shirt laying on the bathroom floor and pulls out a couple of notes.
"but there's £40 here" she says.

"Oh yeah. He shit in my pants an all"

I'll be honest, I think Clement Freud did a better job on the delivery.

Clement Freud - The £20 Joke - YouTube

He would.

Fucking loved Clement Freud.

http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand

Love number 7
(Which would make this wrong...

...and this right
High Five!