Just the tip. Life Pro Tips

The 'My Waitrose Card' app lets you choose 2 money off vouchers each week, these are targeted to your previous purchases (usually £1.50 / £1 / 50p off)

If you use the self service/ scan as you shop section to pay, you can use the coupons even without purchasing the item it relates too, so always select the highest value ones for the most money off.

Nothing you do can be worse than reproducing.
Having a big car is bad.
Having three kids each with their own car… well now there’s four cars.

Ranting about the environment while cranking out more humans is nuts.

Actual lpt i just figured out. If you really have to leave a bike out overnight in london and want to be fairly sure it wont be nicked, park it at the royal academy. They have good locking things and the place itself is pretty busy on most days except monday when ra is closed and they close the massive gate at 6 ish. Unless someone burgles the RA its pretty damn safe. I accidentally did this last night and was all good went to grab it this morning.

Do cops take in lost bikes? Could have a mate ‘find and return’ your bike to a nearby station, collect when ready.

The Met police don't do anything useful anymore.

Similar to this, always use the self service and put things through as cheap veg; carrots, baked potatoes

Always use zebra crossings, especially when no cars are in sight so the lone cyclist has to slow down for you to cross

Does shoplifting count as a life pro tip suddenly?

In this economy, yes

On paper yes I suppose so.

Can I use your legal advice in the upcoming Tesco vs. BaldBastard case?

Indecent exposure is a tough one to blame on the self-service checkouts

The queue at the checkout just laughed and pointed.

Unexpected item in the bagging area?

Accepted as being out of date meat and veg from the bargain shelf.

Thinking of taking the kids to Euro Disney this winter? Don’t forget to take a packet of kitchen matches so you can strike them and stick them up your nose on by one to take your mind of the insufferable cold, shitty time and wasted expense you are going to put yourself through.

Your Honour, in light of the established precedent of food vendors explicitly posting any existing requirement for customers to wear clothing and/or footwear in order to be permitted service, and given the absence of such a requirement from Tesco’s customer conduct policy, I ask that the Court find Mr TheBald’s actions reasonable and licit.

We also ask the Court to note Mr TheBald’s generous use of the establishment’s available sanitiser on the self-check out screen and scale, as indicative of his own conscientious attitude and the shop’s perceived tacit encouragement of his nakedness.

Possibly a little grandiose. Perhaps downplaying might work in the opening statement 'any perceived offence was such a tiny thing that it is hardly worth mentioning'.

I've never been to Euro Disney but whilst holidaying in the New Forest we chose to go to (it's a Hoot, Hoot at) Paultons Park. This was after a day and night where a New Forest pony had ripped open our tent to get at some apples and then it had rained so much we woke to find we were pitched in a 3" deep lake. It was so cold and miserable they wouldn't even sell us a ticket to go in. We spent the rest of the day in a pub near the launderette in Brockenhurst drying our clothes and eating and drinking. The kids didn't complain but then we went home. LPT - Always have a plan B.

I've got another one for you. Screw-topped containers of sticky stuff. If you wind back the lid a bit it gives you twisting room to start the lid turning for opening.

1 Attachment

If you have to park your car where there is no shade leave your steering wheel so that the top is at the bottom. Then the part you hold is probably cooler when you need to drive away.

Always wipe the toilet seat before you sit down, even if you think the seat is clean. This way you simultaneously check that you haven't run out of toilet paper and reduce undesirable splashback.

Honey that has crystalized in the jar can be re-clarified with a quick warm up in the microwave.

Get blood drawn from your non-dominant arm.

When you get blood drawn, there’s a non zero chance that the phlebotomist fucks up and hits a nerve. If you’re lucky, it’ll ache a few days. If you’re unlucky, you’ll have irreparable nerve damage from the elbow down.

How do I know? Currently trying to ignore aching elbow-pec-fingers and numb index finger, thumb and middle finger.

When loading a hypodermic syringe. If you get bubbles in it, don’t flick it. That just disperses them. Hold it up right and swirl it with a flick of the wrist, the bubbles will spin their merry way to the top. When you expel the air do it into a tissue and not in the air like they do on the tellybox. It gives you something to push against in a way you can measure and not randomly.