LEL 2017 / London - Edinburgh - London Audax

Respect to everyone who attempted it, not to mention the finishers. But the miserable reports are quite funny.

I was tempted to film exhausted dnf riders staggering round at Barnards Castle and then edit it to music from Dawn of the Dead but would have been cruel.

I wish I had some non wet, non lycra clothing for this train journey.

Find some discarded newspapers to sit: they'll draw some of the damp out.

Stick some up your jersey too: they'll also draw the damp out and insulate your skin.

You're tired, wet and not moving: easy to get cold.

I had a dry jersey and base layer at last control so not too bad, it's only the shorts. Also have one of those rapha insulated jackets which despite its weird cut has proven itself to be invaluable over last few days.
I'm a lot better off than everyone still out on the road. Though feelings of regret at not finishing starting to kick in.
On the positive side i keep finding squashed emergency snack food i'd squirreled away in my saddlebag, so am eating that while waiting for next train.

I'm doing teas and coffees at Loughton. Come and say hi.

Awaiting "smelly drugged out wet tramp on train at Kings cross with stolen red Talbot" in spotted thread...

Not got any drugs... Wish i had

I thought the AA were bringing you back?

Would like to share a few of the best people I came across at the control I was working at. First was a cross eyed American bloke, he stormed in to the control at warp speed, which considering the control was at 685km in and it was around 2am was a bit weird to start with. After he'd been scanned and stamped he proceeds to stay in the tight control area and get undressed. Whilst stripping all his wet clothes he starts to tell me about his ride so far.
"this is great really great have you seen Dunkirk I love it wet like that like a drowned rat lot of French people here too not seen any Germans maybe there are some maybe coming the other way...." my fellow volunteer who was German interjected this stream of consciousness with" I'm german" to which without catching breath he says "great that's great wars over have a lapel pin" and pulls a lapel pin from a bag of lapel pins and gives it to her. At this was at this point it became clear that this wasn't just lel based delirium, as he must have packed these lapel pins far in advance, so what was up with this guy?

"I'm bi-polar you know cool eh? Decided not to take my meds for a few weeks though it's going to really give me and edge I can feel it now got a great feeling about this night section do you think that rain makes you faster i think it makes me faster anyway must be my edge.... "

There we go....

"...... So yeah not taking meds except for blood pressure ones I'm not really very healthy on paper but I just feel GRRREEEAAATTTT (his best Tony the Tiger impression, which was very good) best take my other medication..... "

He then pulls out one of those days of the week pill boxes your granny has and empties two days worth of pills into his hand, probably about 10 pills in all, worried that this guy was going to have a heart attack for any number of reasons I asked if he meant to get that many pills out..

"yeah obviously i missed yesterday's pills I only take my pills at 11pm one night then 1am the next night it's great it really doubles effectiveness trust me but I can't drink my water don't trust it not for pills it's unlucky...."

He wonders off to the shoe area and I get on with other stuff as it's very busy and having stared into his brain for 5 minutes Im very tired. No sooner have I got back to work however when I hear a commotion, and sure enough my man is at the centre of it.

Tired randonneur:
"what the fuck are you doing mate?"

Tony the tiger:
"sorry broski my water is bad luck for pills just need a sip...."

He's stolen this guys bottles and is taking a sip from one, taking a pill, dropped that bottle and now sipping from the other to take another pill.

Placating tired randoneur and explaining to Tony that its not on to steal peoples bottles, but before I know it Tony has gone outside. Again, I don't really care as this wave of reality is too gnarly for me. Or so I thought, but I cannot help myself and poke my head out of the door. He's going along the rows taking a sip from a water bottle, taking a pill and moving on. He sees me looking, and shouts out "don't worry dude I'm done!"

He comes back in, puts his clothes back on, takes them off, and puts them back on again, all the while telling whichever poor bastard is waiting to have his card scanned and stamped about the chemical composition and benefits of his ridiculous neoprene gloves.

Finally he leaves. Then returns. He comes up to me and whispers "really wet out there bro lots of rain water some of the rain water isn't rain water though bro riddleme this riddle me that catch you in londres!" and he's gone. Thank fuck for that. As he rides off out the school, a mightily pissed off rider comes up to the control, and tells us that 'some monumental pick was pissing on bikes wheels against the wall and I must be tripping but i swear he was muttering a spell while doing it'.

Ride safe Tony.

Someone stood in front of me once when I was walking my bike to sainsburys and demanded to know where I'd got it, I was in work clothes and very smelly and dirty. Don't think he really believed I'd built it but couldn't think of anything to do...

Holy shit.

Rock n roll

O_o

cool story bro

(really, that is pretty damn crazy)

Don't think he really believed I'd built it but couldn't think of anything to do...

So you really do make them? I thought you just stole them to order...

I hope he'll be OK. If he gets that hyper, the comedown is likely to be crushing.

Matt that is some story. In other news bambi has been killing headwind fens for ACH all day.

I imagine it's going to be truly appauling, having known a few people with bi-polar. Nothing to be done at the control unfortunately though, except hose off the piss (whilst hopefully leaving the incantations intact) and stamp his card.

Huh, I left 15 minutes after you, and got to each stop (until I DNF at Barnard) a lots sooner, go figure.

Excellent work! you actually made me feel a bit better after being told I wouldn't have made the time, I'm really glad you get to finish on what is an awesome audax that will always stay in your memories.

A great clash of cultures, which caused chaos, was ensuring that no foreigners (including English) that for whatever reason dont eat pork didnt mistake the the lorne sausage bap for a burger. There were many close calls....

@Thrasher amazing work mate!

I can imagine the lols

It was bloody embarrassing getting on a train at Grantham with my LEL number still attached, but I had no way to remove it!

Fortunately the train wasnt too busy as it would have been really unfair to sit next to anyone.

Unfortunately drop bags from pocklignton weren't back when Amit tried to collect min, so if anyone else is going to be at the finish later/tomorrow with a car and wants to do me a massive favour (plus will provide beer or chris king tops caps or whatever in return), please let me know.

Train journey was predictably grim. Very hard to sleep in those seats.

@ad441 - I'm going to be driving over to Loughton tomorrow morning to pick up my two from Louth and Brampton; will be heading back to Dartford with them, but work in Westminster so if that works logistically for you let me know your details and I can grab them.

Happy to do the same for anyone else that finds the trip to Loughton not so easy to do.