Foffa Bikes

Trololo

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Once in the morning my mum walked into the bog and screamed. There was shit all over the floor, all over the blinds, the wall and the shower curtain. My dad remembers going to the loo in the middle of the night but had no memory of how the shit got everywhere. It is an absolute mystery.

I knew a guy who lived with a cop. Cop was a 6'6'' monster of a man, a wall of muscle controlled by a barely sufficient amount of brain matter.

All the knives in the flat kept disappearing and eventually he asks Cop what the fuck is going on with the knives-where are they and what is he doing with them?

Turns out Cop's high fibre diet and active lifestyle manufactured torpedo-like shits that were of such sizable girth they had to be chopped up manually to allow them to slowly claw their way around the U bend to be finally spirited away. Once he'd stabbed them up with the kitchen utensils he thankfully realised that it probably wasn't ok to put them back into circulation, and lobbed them in the bin.

After much deliberation they decided to get an 'Ornamental' samurai sword to hang in the bathroom.

His nickname could have been 'Large Plug'.

or 'Foffasaurusrex'

Anyway. Was there any new info here or is it just the same old shit being recycled?

My brother got stuck in a traffic jam a few months ago on a flyover. He was stationary for several hours and was already in need of a dump when he had to stop. He sat there in the rain thinking about nothing but taking a dump but there was absolutely nowhere to go. So he climbed into the back seat and took a dump in a plastic bag. He then lowered the bag out of the car and left it underneath and out of sight, but the car still stank hours later when he got home. And he had no toilet paper.

Congrats on the piece in Telegraph business supplement in any case

I knew a guy who lived with a cop. Cop was a 6'6'' monster of a man, a wall of muscle controlled by a barely sufficient amount of brain matter.

All the knives in the flat kept disappearing and eventually he asks Cop what the fuck is going on with the knives-where are they and what is he doing with them?

Turns out Cop's high fibre diet and active lifestyle manufactured torpedo-like shits that were of such sizable girth they had to be chopped up manually to allow them to slowly claw their way around the U bend to be finally spirited away. Once he'd stabbed them up with the kitchen utensils he thankfully realised that it probably wasn't ok to put them back into circulation, and lobbed them in the bin.

After much deliberation they decided to get an 'Ornamental' samurai sword to hang in the bathroom.

This had me laughing like fook

i went to a wedding in 1991 in NEWTON AYCLIFFE .Spent about 6 days there staying in the NORTH BRITON pub drinking with a bunch of geordies and ex miners,they nicknamed me the GENUINE COCKNEY BASTARD.After drinking lots of Double Maxim and bitter my guts were a bit hostile to say the least.On the last night about 1am ,i farted and seriously followed through,i made my excuses and went upstairs to shower and change.Now im standing in the bathroom bollock naked with a pair of shit filled boxers in my hand,couldnt put them in the bathroom bin the stunk to high heaven.after much deliberation i threw them out of the bathroom window.Then i went downstairs and carried on drinking.

About twenty three years ago I parked my car in the car park of a pub in Newton Aycliffe. I left it there overnight as I was too pissed to drive home. I returned the next day to find a pair of shit encrusted boxers on the fucking windscreen of my motor. Some sort of a dirty protest I guess as I'd been annoyed with having to put up with the antics of a really random bunch of pricks at the bar and had called one of them a "cockney bastard". He seemed to take it as a compliment. Right random fucker he was.

Can i have them back,make a great reminder of micky the geordies wedding.Mind you hes cockney bastard now he lives in Sydenham.

My cat did a poo on the carpet today and when I collected it in a carrier bag the other cat climbed in the bag and ran around the house. Such lols.

My cat went out in the garden.dug a hole shit in it and then buried it.mind you hes a very clever cat

my cat usually shits outside but we locked him in the house all day so he cant be blamed really. The cat that decided to run around the house with a bag of shit however is a cunt.

No litter tray?

yeahh but he wont use it if the kitten has used it first, and the kitten makes a point of using them as soon as you put fresh litter in (because he's a dick)

their great names for cats DICK and CUNT

Dick and Cunt are just the one cat.

Dick Cunt.

Thought he was called Opie?

Back when I thought I made art I went to the local art store in San Francisco. I bought a couple of sable brushes and some ink and was prancing around as one does in an art store.

As I exited the store I was greeted by a man (homelessness assumed) whose back was to me and the store. He proceeded to pull down his pants, furiously shit sputtering turds backwards while waving a mini american flag and shouting nonsense. It was in my general direction but didn't come close to reaching me.

I am not sure if it was in protest or joy, but I am pretty sure only one of us was a real artist.

Thought he was called Opie?

Officially yeah, but Dick Cunt suits his personality much more.

Have you considered counseling?

@TM what for the cat

Sounds like they have some issues festering...