"Oh Shit" moments...

the road was greasier than a Greggs door handle.

Just deserved quoting....

I was watching The Matrix - I know, it's been years, right? - when this huge bastard scampered towards me, a look of murderous intent in his numerous eyes...

Careful

I had a similarly horrific beast crawl up onto the arm of the sofa I was reclining on while I was watching The Shining. WAC.

I had a similarly horrific beast crawl up onto the arm of the sofa I was reclining on while I was watching The Shining. WAC.

Repped for calling a spider a cunt.

Was on the way to Brighton....crashed into old chap near Burgess hill......fortunately...nothing happened to me...but broke poor guy's mirror.. :P

The two times I have ridden with dimi and dom, almost the whole thing was an 'oh shit' but also incredibly fun moment.

Repped for calling a spider a cunt.

My best moment so far on these forums. Arigatou.

Think I just had my closest call with death since my skiing accident.

2 Junkie looking tracksuited CUNTS in a beaten up Cavalier just tore through a red light at a T-junction on the last mile of my ride this afternoon...

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be posting anything on here again if I'd stopped even 1ft further in to the junction. As it was I thought they were going to take my front wheel out.
Think I need to lie down for a bit...

A lorry drove past me today. One of its rear doors swung wide open. Fork lift teetering on the edge. Scary. Shit.

Christ, just reading that made every vein in my body constrict with The Fear. Did the driver get it closed?

Climbing up a hill and a furniture delivery lorry pulls away from the kerb in front of me, no biggie. Then it started fucking rolling backwards. Cue me diving sideways and bout three drivers ramming on the hand brake and following me...
Then the driver braked... This happened three times before I got off and walked past on the pavement. An '18-wheeler' on this road. Scared me shitless.

It took a couple of attempts by me and a passenger in a van behind to get the drivers attention when stopped in traffic, but yes. Scarily he seemed largely unfazed.

A lorry drove past me today. One of its rear doors swung wide open. Fork lift teetering on the edge. Scary. Shit.

Boris Johnson's lorry near miss. - YouTube

Glad you were both unhurt in those incidents.

It's been seriously hot here these past couple of months - hot enough that it put me off most cycling. Short hops turned into sweaty messes and long rides left you dicing with heatstroke. Fuck that.

My sleep cycle has been awful lately because it's cooler at night - if you want to do something, do it then! It's 4:15am and I'm wide awake. Every bone in my body is jonesing for a ride. Fuck it, I'm never going to sleep like this. I pull on the my cycling attire, stretching it over the pitiful pizza belly caused by a couple of months of inactivity. Helmet, gloves, shoes... off we go!

I decide to just ride a bit. Get back into the swing of things. Maybe a nice hour while the sun comes up. I set off in no particular direction, letting instinct guide me. Despite my increased girth I feel fresh - it's all coming back to me! As I ride, the sun rises over the hills, lighting the sky with gorgeous red hues set behind dark clouds. It feels like a life-defining perfect moment. I feel drawn to the hills.

Up I go, into the hills, an objective now in mind. A place I'd never been to but had planned to for some time. An hour or so later and I'm there. I feel glorious. Both body and mind urge me onwards, further upwards. So I go for it. I hit a bastard-steep incline and keep going, legs burning, panting for breath. What a challenge! The incline doesn't let up, winding up the hill as far as I can see. I think about how awesome it's going to be flying back down it.

I check my GPS. I'm nearly at the top of the hill! I can crest this and then whiz down the other side, which will bring me to another long-sought destination. Awesome! Why not? I top out, refill my bottle from a vending machine outside a house (gotta love Japan) and head off down the hill.

It's steep. It gets steeper. It keeps getting steeper. Any worse and I'll be riding down a cliff! Onwards and onwards, never letting up, early rush hour traffic from somewhere now belting past me. Impatient drivers, trucks... terrifying. It is almost pant-shittingly scary. I finally reach the bottom and make a witty Facebook post about this. I check my GPS again and I'm not quite where I thought I was...

I'm already at least 60km in. Google Maps informs me I have at least 30km left to go to get home. Fuck. I don't feel too bad but I was not intending for this! After a brief break I press on. What else can I do? I crank up Joe Satriani for some motivation.

I hit the town where I'm supposed to make a turn. I miss it. I find it. I realise it is a highway with no bikes allowed. I look for an alternate route. I get lost.

My right thigh cramps. Terrible, terrible pain as I stop to read the map. It takes ten minutes of stretching and massaging to get it to loosen enough to ride on. I'm now getting a little tired, mentally too. I find an alternate route. I ride to the beginning of it and my phone battery dies. I now have no directions, with a good 15km left to go.

I set off up this new road. It is steep. VERY steep. I begin to run low on drink. It's warming up as the daytime sun begins to assume its position. I'm getting bitten by mosquitos. There is no-one around.

Then it hits me. An odd feeling, I push it down for a couple of hard miles but soon it is overwhelming. I can't fight it any more. I jump off my bike, ready. A moment passes. Nothing. Another moment. Still nothing. I say a little prayer, despite not being a religious man. And then... then it comes.

There I stand, holding my bike by the side of the road. A grown-ass man, 23 years old... shitting violently into his tight Lycra bib shorts.

"Pffffffbbbtttbbbtttbbttt."

I walked much of the last 10km home, clenching my cheeks together so desperately, somehow finding my way. It's all a bit of a blur...

Was it the multitude of strange electrolyte drinks? Was it the takeout pizza I ate hours previous? Was it my stupidity in taking on such a route after so long not riding? Was it the heat? I suspect it was a combination of all of these things.

Truly, an "Oh Shit" moment...

It's been seriously hot here these past couple of months - hot enough that it put me off most cycling. Short hops turned into sweaty messes and long rides left you dicing with heatstroke. Fuck that.

My sleep cycle has been awful lately because it's cooler at night - if you want to do something, do it then! It's 4:15am and I'm wide awake. Every bone in my body is jonesing for a ride. Fuck it, I'm never going to sleep like this. I pull on the my cycling attire, stretching it over the pitiful pizza belly caused by a couple of months of inactivity. Helmet, gloves, shoes... off we go!

I decide to just ride a bit. Get back into the swing of things. Maybe a nice hour while the sun comes up. I set off in no particular direction, letting instinct guide me. Despite my increased girth I feel fresh - it's all coming back to me! As I ride, the sun rises over the hills, lighting the sky with gorgeous red hues set behind dark clouds. It feels like a life-defining perfect moment. I feel drawn to the hills.

Up I go, into the hills, an objective now in mind. A place I'd never been to but had planned to for some time. An hour or so later and I'm there. I feel glorious. Both body and mind urge me onwards, further upwards. So I go for it. I hit a bastard-steep incline and keep going, legs burning, panting for breath. What a challenge! The incline doesn't let up, winding up the hill as far as I can see. I think about how awesome it's going to be flying back down it.

I check my GPS. I'm nearly at the top of the hill! I can crest this and then whiz down the other side, which will bring me to another long-sought destination. Awesome! Why not? I top out, refill my bottle from a vending machine outside a house (gotta love Japan) and head off down the hill.

It's steep. It gets steeper. It keeps getting steeper. Any worse and I'll be riding down a cliff! Onwards and onwards, never letting up, early rush hour traffic from somewhere now belting past me. Impatient drivers, trucks... terrifying. It is almost pant-shittingly scary. I finally reach the bottom and make a witty Facebook post about this. I check my GPS again and I'm not quite where I thought I was...

I'm already at least 60km in. Google Maps informs me I have at least 30km left to go to get home. Fuck. I don't feel too bad but I was not intending for this! After a brief break I press on. What else can I do? I crank up Joe Satriani for some motivation.

I hit the town where I'm supposed to make a turn. I miss it. I find it. I realise it is a highway with no bikes allowed. I look for an alternate route. I get lost.

My right thigh cramps. Terrible, terrible pain as I stop to read the map. It takes ten minutes of stretching and massaging to get it to loosen enough to ride on. I'm now getting a little tired, mentally too. I find an alternate route. I ride to the beginning of it and my phone battery dies. I now have no directions, with a good 15km left to go.

I set off up this new road. It is steep. VERY steep. I begin to run low on drink. It's warming up as the daytime sun begins to assume its position. I'm getting bitten by mosquitos. There is no-one around.

Then it hits me. An odd feeling, I push it down for a couple of hard miles but soon it is overwhelming. I can't fight it any more. I jump off my bike, ready. A moment passes. Nothing. Another moment. Still nothing. I say a little prayer, despite not being a religious man. And then... then it comes.

There I stand, holding my bike by the side of the road. A grown-ass man, 23 years old... shitting violently into his tight Lycra bib shorts.

"Pffffffbbbtttbbbtttbbttt."

I walked much of the last 10km home, clenching my cheeks together so desperately, somehow finding my way. It's all a bit of a blur...

---

Was it the multitude of strange electrolyte drinks? Was it the takeout pizza I ate hours previous? Was it my stupidity in taking on such a route after so long not riding? Was it the heat? I suspect it was a combination of all of these things.

Truly, an "Oh Shit" moment...

Quoted in case you regret this later lulz.....

Great story telling, A+++++***** would read again.

Now go wash your ass!

No regrets!

"Remember that time I rode so hard I shit myself?"
Yes, yes I do.

At least your face is ok this time, I was concerned when I saw you had posted here again...

Somehow I think this is worse!

Oh, I got home to find them digging up the gas to my street. No hot water. Worst post-ride shower ever.

This is what this thread was destined for.

Pics or it didn't...oh, wait, maybe not

Has having shit down your legs made any difference to your thoughts on shaving them?

Yeah, did you manage to get everything out of your bumhairs?

Fuck me Jadias that is the most amazing story ever! I was gonna say csb or tl;dr. But then it got better and better and then! He shat himself...

10km walk home with shit in your pants. wow. that is a bad one.

I had to pick my g/f up after she shat herself out on a run. I couldnt stop laughing. Im sure she would appreciate me saying that on a public forum