Girls and Bikes

you shouldn't get cats drunk. its animal cruelty don't ya know?

you shouldn't get cats drunk. its animal cruelty don't ya know?

but you can get squirrel drunk thought.

YouTube - Drunk Squirrel

I descended Dartmouth Park Hill. I was close to spinning out & the black citroen behind me was way to close for comfort. As I slowed for the lights at the bottom near Gospel Oak a sustained hiss announced a flat. The bird in the citroen behind beeped her horn & without turning to look, I gave her the finger.

She leaned out and enquired do you wanna lift?

I turned round and saw: Blue eyes, brown skin, black hair, bangs.
She had an immaculate ultra-short Bettie Page/ Chan Parker fringe, thick brows, eyes wide open.

What shall I do with my bike?
Shove it in the back! Came the reply.
It was one of those long low Citroen station wagons: So I stuck it in.

It was like getting into the car driven by Gloria Grahame at the beginning of Vincente Minelli’s The Cobweb, I’m the sensitive and so serious youth, skinny, angular and edgy and she’s so puffy and pouty and animated, all sensual and wriggly and the way she held her cigarette was the way Gloria Grahame held the steering wheel of the wood panelled Chevrolet station wagon with her white gloves, do you recall?

*Do you want a ride? *Enquires Gloria. So did blue eyed bangs.
*Do you want to talk? *Blue eyes also.
I could talk your eyes out.
Go on then.
Derain died the other day.
But, what would you know of Derain?!

• the handsome young and artistic mental patient stutters, spitting with contempt,
  *Actually, I do know Derain, a French painter, one of Les Fauves *
  
• answers the beautiful psychiatrist’s spouse, except it went like this:
  
  

And the car I climbed into upon her invitation was a Citroen CZ, a great long shark of a car, long low and sleek with a streamlined dashboard that made you think you were on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. I was beginning to feel like William Shatner.

*Nice bike!*She said. She looked over her shoulder at my big ring and enquired turning to meet my eyes.
How many inches?
She knew about bikes then. She talked about liking blokes in lycra and about how she wanted to get a bike.

When we got to Camden I asked her to drop me round the back of Sainsbury’s.

It was only later when I was in the tea & coffee aisle that I realised that she had been hitting on me.

Sometimes, I’m real slow to catch on.

I inspire trashy romance where ever i go.

I inspire trashy romance whenever i go.

Quite...

i also just noticed that even in the romance version i still don't get lucky.

oh as a end note to this story, we went to real dinner tonight, watched terrible japanese movies and slept on the couch for a while.

but yesterday i did get hit by a car. it's very odd.

You did tell her your name this time though, yes?

has he got his dick wet yet?!?

no and no.

Fail

there's a middle-aged man somewhere sitting in front of his computer pissing himself at the fact that you lot believe his made-up character.

I mean, honestly, Uncle Buck on DVD !

Who you callin' middle aged??

I love Tom Waits, do I get one of those?

Yes but Tom expects a lot from you.

I was walking to the shops today, just minding my own business, enjoying the weather, when a stunning girl on a fixed gear bike almost ran me over. Long blonde hair, denim shorts, cropped t-shirt. Gorgeous! Well, she apologised, and we got talking. She was curling her hair with one finger, and batting her eyelashes, and I got on to asking her about the bike. It was a custom Mercian, barber's pole stripe in emerald green and crimson with gold pinstriping. She told me how much it cost her. I couldn't believe it! Anyhow, she was asking for my number, but I wasn't really listening. I only had one thin on my mind! I smacked her round the head as hard as I could, snatched her bike, gave her a quick kick in the tits and rode off laughing.
It was only later that I realised she had been hitting on me. How could I have been so blind, so naive?Yet another missed date with destiny. How long would love evade me? I intend to ride around town on that beautiful Mercian, and when I find her, I'm going to ask her if she'd like to go for coffee with me. Would that be too forward of me?

Oh my my god that such an incredibly sweet story, but bittter bitter to my ears.

Heres that same story, as if it happened to me:

A bunch girls started laughing at me, and said "oh myyy god, look at that wanker on a bike" "I think hes looking at you" "How tragic"

Then they whisper, and ones comes over and hands me a card.

It reads "fuck off"

Then they all giggle and walk away.

Haha, yeah I know that one!

cries

general lucifer:

I think thats a great idea!

I was walking to the shops today, just minding my own business, enjoying the weather, when a stunning girl on a fixed gear bike almost ran me over. Long blonde hair, denim shorts, cropped t-shirt. Gorgeous! Well, she apologised, and we got talking. She was curling her hair with one finger, and batting her eyelashes, and I got on to asking her about the bike. It was a custom Mercian, barber's pole stripe in emerald green and crimson with gold pinstriping. She told me how much it cost her. I couldn't believe it! Anyhow, she was asking for my number, but I wasn't really listening. I only had one thin on my mind! I smacked her round the head as hard as I could, snatched her bike, gave her a quick kick in the tits and rode off laughing.
It was only later that I realised she had been hitting on me. How could I have been so blind, so naive?Yet another missed date with destiny. How long would love evade me? I intend to ride around town on that beautiful Mercian, and when I find her, I'm going to ask her if she'd like to go for coffee with me. Would that be too forward of me?

Time to live and learn General. know for next time, keep a medium sized spanner in one pocket and wallet in the other, adjusting the wallet in a suggestive manner should distract her enough to get the spanner out the other pocket and clock her. bikes then yours.
Don't fall for these vixens. stay strong..

I was walking to the shops today, just minding my own business, enjoying the weather, when a stunning girl on a fixed gear bike almost ran me over. Long blonde hair, denim shorts, cropped t-shirt. Gorgeous! Well, she apologised, and we got talking. She was curling her hair with one finger, and batting her eyelashes, and I got on to asking her about the bike. It was a custom Mercian, barber's pole stripe in emerald green and crimson with gold pinstriping. She told me how much it cost her. I couldn't believe it! Anyhow, she was asking for my number, but I wasn't really listening. I only had one thin on my mind! I smacked her round the head as hard as I could, snatched her bike, gave her a quick kick in the tits and rode off laughing.
It was only later that I realised she had been hitting on me. How could I have been so blind, so naive?Yet another missed date with destiny. How long would love evade me? I intend to ride around town on that beautiful Mercian, and when I find her, I'm going to ask her if she'd like to go for coffee with me. Would that be too forward of me?

looking through old threads makes sundays so much better when you find this kind of material

I wish I hadn't missed this the first time around. Mr Emoxfag, if you live in London, I have a copy of my comic book for you. It's called "I love you more than whiskey" and it's about how bad I am with boys and bikes.

Nhatt, i HAVE TO read your book

I can't believe you don't have a copy! I have one for you whenever I next see you. Or ask jo to borrow his :-)

I wish I hadn't missed this the first time around. Mr Emoxfag, if you live in London, I have a copy of my comic book for you. It's called "I love you more than whiskey" and it's about how bad I am with boys and bikes.

Did you draw it yourself?

I did! First comic. It's happy, it's sad, it's slightly shoddily drawn, and it features me, allot of slightly disasterous relationships, one blb employee, one broken elbow and multiple beverages.

It's 2 pounds, or you can buy me a drink and I'll give you a complimentry signed copy. I think I'll bring a few to easties because I've owed mr gro-bags a copy for ages.

How can the unclean get hold of a copy?

By unclean I mean those living outside of London's famous London.

I did! First comic. It's happy, it's sad, it's slightly shoddily drawn, and it features me, allot of slightly disasterous relationships, one blb employee, one broken elbow and multiple beverages.

It's 2 pounds, or you can buy me a drink and I'll give you a complimentry signed copy. I think I'll bring a few to easties because I've owed mr gro-bags a copy for ages.

I won't be able to make it to Easts this week, but I'd like one. Dibs if you're about to run out of copies. ;)