Football

As in:

There's this guy, Dougie, who loves the circus. He adores the circus. Every time the circus comes to town, Dougie goes to see it. He sits in the front row, wearing his blue anorak.

One day, the circus comes to town and Dougie is thrilled to see it has a new clown with a red nose. All goes well until the Red-Nosed Clown decides to tell a joke. He looks around the audience, spots Dougie in his blue anorak, and approaches.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

"No", says Dougie, confused.

"Then are you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown.

"No...", says Dougie, hesitantly.

"Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, triumphantly.

The audience bursts into laughter, leaving Dougie feeling humiliated and hurt.

The next day, Dougie goes to the circus wearing his blue anorak and sits in the front row as usual. The high-wire act is thrilling, the jugglers are breath-taking, and then along come the clowns. Dougie's heart sinks when he sees the Red-Nosed Clown among them. Sure enough, part-way through the act the Red-Nosed Clown stops to tell a joke. His eyes are immediately drawn once more to Dougie in his blue anorak.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

"No...", says Dougie, apprehensively.

"Then are you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown.

"No", says Dougie, tears welling in his eyes.

"Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, gleefully.

Again, the audience roars with laughter, and Dougie looks a complete fool. He's very upset.

Now it turns out that Dougie has a friend: Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee. Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, is famous throughout the town for being a master of wit and king of repartee. If anyone can put an end to Dougie's torment, it's Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee. Dougie therefore decides to tell his story to Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, in the hope that he'll help.

"Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee", he begins, "there's a new, red-nosed clown at the circus and he keeps picking on me."

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, says, "That's very ungracious of him. He deserves to be taught a lesson."

"Could you come along tomorrow and sit next to me?" asks, Dougie, hopefully.

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, ponders for a moment, then says, "Yes, I think I shall."

"Oh thank you, Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee", says Dougie. "You'll show him!"

So the next day, Dougie goes along to the circus with Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, and they sit in the front row. The horse act is terrific and the trapeze is very exciting, and then out come the clowns.

The Red-Nosed Clown can't believe his eyes. There, sitting in the front row, is Dougie in his blue anorak. He goes straight over.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

Dougie looks to Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, who sagely shakes his head.

"No", says Dougie, confidently.

"Then ar you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown?

Dougie glances at Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, but again he just shakes his head, knowingly.

"No" replies Dougie.

Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, victoriously.

The audience shrieks with laughter, and poor Dougie feels very small, but then suddenly, Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, stands up.

The audience falls silence in astonishment, for they know him to be Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, and they know that he is a master of wit and king of repartee.

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, looks slowly around the room, then suddenly stabs a finger in the direction of the Red-Nosed Clown and glares at him right in the eye.

"You!" he shouts. "Fuck off, you red-nosed bastard!"