• Uludag, Turkish ski resort 1991:
    A week of hotel cuisine hits me in middle of a ski lesson. I make it to end of lesson and, to the surprise of (beginners) ski instructor, Mehmet, straightline it down the mountain as soon as lesson has ended. Unclip, dump poles and skis, rush into nearest hotel foyer. Find toilets, make it, relief. No. Problem. BIG PROBLEM. Belt of all-in-one skisuit tied into fatally tight knot. Start ripping frantically at clothes. Break zips, suit comes off. But too late, shit streams all over skisuit. Shit is flicked all over toilet stall and adjacents stalls, as I try to remove remainder of skisuit. Bystanding Turkish men want to beat me. I leave. Rush back to my hotel. Not allowed in with ski boots. Return to hire shop and swop hired boots for shoes, brownstreaked and reeking. Back to hotel. No hotel key. Passing cleaner opens room, poo drips slowly from skisuit trousers onto running shoes.

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