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@nick_warner
circa 2004.
parts of the story are known first hand, others have been relaid to me by my older brother.
My older brother's best mate had been confiding in my brother, extensively, his insofar-unrequited desire to... take his girlfriend to brown town so to speak...
Eventually, one fateful weekend, said older-brother's-friend's parents are going out of town. In all likelihood to a hotel brown town of their own. Anyway this is the opportunity that older-brother's-friend has been waiting for and so in the week's build up puts in the ground work convincing his girlfriend that this was the next step for them, a good idea, so forth.
So the weekend comes, Saturday night older-brother's-friend wines and dines older-brother's-friend's girlfriend, locks the dog downstairs, candles, rose petals et cetera, and commences with his insofar-unrequited anal fantasies.
Almost immediately upon completion the poor woman commences to lose any semblance of bowel control and, put briefly, pebble dashes the entire bedroom, landing, bathroom and whatever else with a fine coating of fecal matter.
Car, running red lights, accident and emergency. Many hours later she has been given what the opposite of a laxative is, and they return home, bleary eyed, traumatised and promising each other and themselves to never, ever think of trying, or speaking of, this again.
By this point it is mid-morning Sunday and they return to the fucking Somme. The house is in pieces. Add hours of decomposition to an already diabolical scene. Frantic cleaning, scrubbing, deodorising and dry heaving were not enough to return the house to its original state before the early afternoon return of the parents, although, all things considered, I understand they did a pretty good job.
Upon the parents return, they can tell that, for some reason, there has recently been a significant amount of shit, everywhere. Older-brother's mate and older-brother's-mate's-girlfriend, never considering the possibility of admitting their crimes in front of parents and God, apologise and explain the dog has been unwell, and that their only crime was maybe, just maybe, giving him (dog) something unsuitable to eat.
Some days of scans, tests and veterinary bills later, the details of which I am unsure...
The dog is put down.
To this day the whole episode ways heavily on older-brother's-friend's conscience.