Crap 'Buzzwords'

ask him if he wants to adorn the office pig with a pearl necklace

Like it, maybe worth a shot

Every time he starts to say it, in the incorrect manner you've quoted, say "sssssssssssssssss!" just after he says "pearl", so that your sibilance overlaps the rest of the phrase very loudly.

ahh. So it's Pearls is it? This may work

Someone I work with once tried to reign a meeting back onto the agenda by appealing for everyone "not to go off on a tandem".

And is it me, or are people increasingly missing "ly" of absolutely?
"Absolute fantastic" Makes me want to hurt things

I'm not sure that will help. I have diagnosed him with suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and as such he rarely listens to what anyone else says. Though it may be a counter against his paranoid tendencies

In that case, take out the little ink pipe from a Biro and discard it, then keep the empty pen in your back pocket.

When he next goes to the stationary cupboard follow him in, shut the door behind you and stab him repeatedly in the throat. Leave the pen there for all to see and exit the cupboard in tears, claiming that you found him choking on a pencil eraser and you were trying to save him with an emergency tracheotomy.

Even if he lives, he will be a mute.

Now get to it!

A guy in my office, who incidentally is the most obnoxious person I have ever known, keeps coming out with 'Pearl before swine'. He says it on a daily basis, sometimes more than once. What can I do about it?

Just tell him that him saying it to you and everybody else in the office is throwing pearls before swine.

Nerged. I hear people saying it all the time. I guess it must be trending but I think it's got boring already.

I will shoot the next person who uses the term "Bandwidth" with reference to something that is not a data connection.

row around is the latest one sweeping my office.

favourites are ducks in a row,

There was a slightly confused Mallard swimming around Brockwell Lido pool when I was at the gym earlier

This thread 'needs to pull in the same direction', 'we're all on the same page', we have 'until the close of play' to 'achieve our goals'.

At work we are all about "showing the value" in order to "preserve the investment stream".

I may resign tomorrow.

eschew obfuscation

My office rings with "what the fuck do they want now?!" and "why the fuck is this not building?!" and "if those fuckwits change their mind again i'll find out where they live" and most often "fuck this! pub?". I'm too busy swearing at broken shit to listen to fab new buzzwords.

catchy

'tranche'
fucking everywhere in local government

'ring-fenced'

a.k.a 'not really'

"there's no I in team"

Most recently responded to with "are you trying to say I am not a team worker". The facial gurning in response kept me amused for a couple of minutes.

There is no I in team

But there is a u in cunt

'quantum' is being used a lot in building shit, when 'size' isn't wanky enough.

in any way shape or form.

We're just getting to grips with 'moving forward' up here in the North.

It's in every other fucking email.

We also had some cheesehead talking about direct mail, referring to some shitty folded up brochure we've been making as being 'like origami, but from another planet'.

I mean, for fuck's sake...

sometimes I talk to people in head office who start with all that 'synergy' bollocks,
I stamp that sort of talk straight down I tell ya.

"Promote Synergy! Like a Boss!!

YouTube - Like A Boss (ft. Seth Rogen) - Uncensored Version

You cant say "synergy" anymore. That word has 1990s office wanker written all over it.

I prefer to "gain efficiencies"

It's not office talk but at uni one of our lecturers keeps talking about our class as a 'cohort'.